Tuesday, December 30, 2008


It's your boo-fat, that I been thinking of

Jiglling wiggling making me fall in love

Yeah your poo-poo maker, your stinky crap taker

Your big mothafuckin' brown bread baker


Any type of panties on your boody is a thong

Your ass is so fantastic 'make this player write a song

Wanna grab it by the handful and never let it go

I - just - thought - the world -should know


About your Boo-fat.

Monday, December 29, 2008

What's the solution?

As most of you know, I have been working on my movie for a while and we finally have locked the edit and are just doing the final sound design now. The movie is The Awkward Kings of Comedy. Of course, at the same time I have been trying to finish the fist pass on the visual effects for Roboto Supremo, the movie that I am making with a giant robot and Michel Gondry starring as the mayor of Tokyo.

Here's my point.

My sleep schedule is completely off now. I have no idea how to get it back on track. I have stayed up until 7 for a few nights in a row and I have no way of getting back on track. One of my friends suggested that I stay up a day and a half and then go to sleep. does that sound right? sounds crazy to me, or what if I end up falling asleep in the middle of the afternoon and then wake up in the middle of the night and have to do it all over again?


Friday, December 19, 2008

lots of work

Seems like the more I do. The more there is to do.

Sent from my iButthole

Thursday, December 18, 2008

you have got to be kidding

There are.not enough geniuses inthe world. I am not counting myself.

Sent from my iButthole

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Monday, December 15, 2008

The Awkward Kings of Comedy - TRAILER

So, hey there everyone. I have been in hiatus for a while becaue I have been busy shooting and editing my new movie, The Awkward Kings of Comedy. Here's the trailer.

Hope you like it.

Victor Varnado

Friday, December 12, 2008


Hey guys.  Here's a video written and produced by Bryan Tucker, a writer for SNL.  I am the voice of the main character Crackatron, the monster and the crack addict.


Crack can be a positive thing…


Crackatron, Episode 1

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Bad Bar

I'm in a bar where the floor Is all covered in sand because it has a
beach theme.

Not so impressive.

Sent from my iButthole

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Crack Heads, Try Harder!

If you are a crackhead, I suggest that you reach for the stars.  How do I know that craxck-heads are not reaching for the stars?  Because sadly, the crack-whore is the most popular crack profession. 


Every once in a whle you get a crack-electronics salesperson, but even then fi you don't want the rusted toaster oven with the power cord missing that they have in their Immediate inventory, they immediately offer to suck your dick for the same price.  It doesn't matter if you're a woman when they offer it to you… It's just their way of sayingm "I really want some crack, and for that, my bony body can be your playground."


So crack heads, try harder!  Be a crack-lawyer.  A crack-doctor.  A crack-president.


Putting the adjective "crack" before any profession can be a good thing for all of us.  It guarantees three things.


                Lower Prices )Everything is five dollars)

                Aggressive Salesmanship

                And if you are they least bit disatisfied with their service, even a crack-physicist is still willing to suck your dick.


Monday, December 01, 2008

Yo son!

Sent from my iButthole

Friday, October 17, 2008

The debate

If you have  seen the last presidential debate and haven't seen this, then you should definitely see this.

Why does McCain conceal his past

Sunday, October 05, 2008

The End of Estonia

Pictured above: The manager and curator of the Non Grata Art Container in Estonia sits in front of the Sauna cooling pool and laughs uncomfortably at one of my jokes.

My second attempt at interacting was also a disaster. Things may have one awry when I referenced the first unsuccessful time I was in a sauna. There was a nice Finnish lady in the sauna with me and then I decided it would be interesting to say:

ME: Last time I ws in the sauna, I rated the hairiness of people's balls.

HER: Why were you looking at people's balls?

ME: Well, we were naked. How can you avoid looking at people's balls the first time you go to a sauna?

HER: The first time I went to the sauna, I was taken by my grandfather.
I took a moment to think.

ME: And what were his balls like?

Cue uncomfortable silence.

Well, I am am at the airport right now on my way to Helsinki and then to NYC. Overall I had a great time as a visiting artist to the Estonia chapter of Non Grata arts thingamabob. I et some very nice pople and overall amazing artists and managed to not have my throat slit by the Russian mafia.

I took a lot of video so I may be making an epc movie about my experience.

I think I want to try the sauna again in NYC. Anyone want to come?

Friday, October 03, 2008

Estonia so Far

Pictured above: Hot Swiss girl pours beer into a bag for me.... what?!

Okay, so I fly into Estonia and get picked upp by the festival coordinator and his brooding artist sidekick. All is god.

We get to the artists quarters that is in the inside of a repurposed old factory. Very cool if you want everything to look like an old horror mvie, not so cool if you aew planning on sleeping ther, which they were planning on for me. I see that I have plenty of typos behind me, but fuck it. The shining light of my trip so far has been the nude sauna on the first day of the trip. It was fun and everyone was nude, like 4 guys and on dutch girl. I decided to give out an award for the hariest balls. (You can't have naked people forgetting that they're naked, now can you?)

Our first screening was fun, if you like watching people who barely understand english trying to enjoy decidedly english comedy films. We have video of all of this. We ended the night last night by going to an Estonian disco. Lot's of tall, hyper-blonde women, and a ton more women than men. I don't now what the hell these people are eating, but my guess is villagers.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Movies + Estonia

Hey therer!



So we finished principal photography on the new feature that I am dirtecting and appearing in called The Awkward Kings of Comedy.  I am super excited about the post production that has just started on this.  Our hope is to get it into the South by Southwest film festival in March.  The mocie is about alternative black comedians that defy expectations starring Baron Vaughn, Eric Andre, Marina Franklin, Victor Varnado, and Hannibal Buress.  There's a great performance and a lot of inteviews and behind the scenes footage.  Here's a photo from the set.




I don't know if you remember, but a long time ago I did a super low budget short called Roboto Supremo.  Well I remade it with bigger FX and costumes and the fantastic Miche Gondry as the mayor of Tokyo.  We are in post for it right now, but won't it be fun when it is done?  Giant robots, monsters and love.  Here is the first ever still from the movie.  The effects are a little temp, but you get the idea.




In about an hour, I hop on a plane to Estonia!  I am  presenting films from my monthly comedy film festival with my best friend, and co-producer Jay Stern.  He rocks.  We're going to be all arty in Europe.  I will blog daily and send pics as well, telling you how things go.



Monday, September 22, 2008


Thank heaven for movie cut outs!.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Girls Gone Wild...Really

This is something that I wrote and directed, starring my friend Esther Ku, from Last Comic Standing. Check it out.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Sent from my blank.

I happent to think that if you have an iphone (I do) or a Blackberry and you have the signoff on it that says "Sent from my iphone" on it all the time, it seems a little pretentious.


However, if you change the signoff (I didi) and you are not careful, you may have accidentally sent an email to a business that ends with the signoff "Sent from my Butthole." 


I did.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Lot to do.

Today is one of those days when you realize that you have so much on your plate that you just might choke on it when you it.  Here's what I am up to right now.  You tell me if I am in over my head.


1.  Right now I am writing like 40 jokes a day for a video game project that is due out in September.  That may not sound like much but it's kind of a  chore to write a compelling joke.  Here's an insult that I wrote that one character says to another.  "Hey, is that garnage  I smell or do you have your pants off?"


2.  My film Roboto Supremo is well on it's way to finishing it's rough draft.  I made a version of this short a long time ago with no  money and built the costume out of acrdboard.  It looked like this.


This time I invested a little money and hired a production designer.  Now it looks like this.


I also go tMichel Gondry to play a part in the movie.  I'm super excited about it, but alas..  it is a lot of work.


3.  I started work on a new performance documentary feature film that I am hastily doing fundraising and pre production for.  Producing STINKS!!  Directing and writing rocks.


4.  Lastly, I am taking care of a brand new cat.  He's awsome, but attacks my feet a lot.


Too much bitten off…now I am trying to chew it.





Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Lost My Voice

So I lost my voice. 


One thing about losing your voice, you feel like such a jackass when people have to pay special attention to you when you talk just to hear something.  When I can speak normally, it's no big deal if I say something stupid and someone overhears. But if I say something dumb in an offhand comment and someone has to lean in or even ask other people to be quiet just so I can be heard…   Man I feel like a dick.

Monday, July 14, 2008

New Kitty

I got a kittty today.  I wanted one for a long time.  there is a pe store near me and I saw a lady about to drop this kitten off there..  Pet stores are notoriously bad places for cats to catch diseases and other random awfulness so I saved hime.


His name is Ding Ding.



Sorry So Disturbing

So I was performing at this show in Thompkins Square Park and they had a stand there where you could put your face in the picture with Obama.  My skin tone was a close match to the pfoto.


Sorry so disturbing.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Invention Part 3 - Black Inventions

The best thing about inventions of any kind is that anyone can enjoy them. Although there is one invention that is probably going to be made in the future that  black people are not going to get the chance to enjoy.  A time machine. 


Black people have no use for a time machine.


I mean, yes.  If you had a huge time machine then you could load it up and go back in time and then give every slave an automatic weapon… but then you'd have to deal with a world with no white men and white women kept as sex slaves in cages.  (Well… that's what I'd do.)


Or you could go back to Africa and teach everyone how to hide better so that when slavers came they don't find anyone, but speaking from the point of view of a black albino, there is just too much sun in the jungles of Africa and besides that, I like my DVR.


So why not go to the future?  Because all the races would have mixed into a mocha frapachino blend, only listen to techno and dress in earth tones.  I saw the Matrix.  I don't need to be pegged by a robot in the back of my head.



Thursday, July 10, 2008

Inventions Part 2 - Laserdiscs

The saddest kind of invention is the kind that a lot of technophiles latch onto and then technology quickly moves past them, but those people are determined to hold on to their gadgets because it was a good idea that just never caught on.  It happens… the Betamax was actually a superior format to the VHS tape but people just went with the VHS tape because it was cheaper and the Betamax people had made a format that was beyone what most televisions at the time could show.


 I know the guy who made the Beta probably was the coolest guy at Sony until they figured out that he had basically made a DVD back when people only had 8 track players.  "Yeah… Nice work on the useless hunk of plastic ribbon, Yasko!"  Maybe his name wasn't Yasko, but what a great name to teaso someone with.  "Betmax?  More like Beta-WACK, Yasko!"


People gave up the Betamax when it was eclipsed by the VHS tapes, but they stuck wth the Laserdisc player.  Some peope are just die hard about laserdisc players.  They just wont't let go, even thought there don't make new movies for them anymore.  "Hey man, you want to coem over and watch Blade Runner again?  … Aw c'mon!  I got Quadraphonic sound… No?"

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Inventions Part 1 - Cell Phones

Once an invention becomes a part of society then you can't still get away with saying you don't use it because you're not a "mindless  sheep" like the rest of society.  I'm talking to you, people who still don’t have cell phones.  The  cell phone is not a fad!  It  is not a hula hoop!


You might say.  "I don't need one, and if I really need to make a call I can use a  public phone."  Yeah, if you like hand herpes.  The cell phone has changed society to such a degree that we can't look back.  Remember when you had to actually meet your friends on time at an exact place?  Remember when you had to remember phone numbers?  No thanks.   Remember when you couldn't hang up on people and blame it on your signal?  Thank you cell phones.


So anybody who is rejecting this part of civilization, I hope that you're at least have the decency to be running around butt naked saying,  "Clothes are just not my  style."  I hope you are at least brave enough to just poop in a bag and throw it in your back yard.


Cell phones rock.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

On Adult Swim Tonight

Hey Everyone!


Tonight you can seem me on Adult Swim / Cartoon Network on the new show FAT GUY STUCK IN INTERNET.   If you want a sneaky peeky then go here:   http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=8a25c3921a3b8331011a3bb390c30035


I'm Kazaaaaaaa!


Also I am on the final day of shooting ROBOTO SUPREMO  An HD short that I am writing and directing that stars Michel Gondry in a small role.  Here's dome production art from the movie about a giant robot in love.




Sunday, June 08, 2008

Too hot on new York.

If this is how you show up to your nightime janitorial job.

Friday, June 06, 2008

I miss you, bloggy!

I have been ignoring my blog even when so much has been going on.   I am less than 24 hours away from shooting a new short and I have been neglecting you so much that I am surprised that you are even lettting me write on you.


It's been a crazy week and a half.  Producing and directing is definitely not what I want to be doing, at least not with this budget.  With a low budget, you get less and less time to work on just the creative stuff and most of your time is spent taking care of little things that would be taken care of by other people on a larger set.


In the end though, you have a project that is truly representative of your work (hopefully) and that is the real upside.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Five weeks until we shoot.

Still working hard on robot Supremo.  Our production designer is about to start making molds, which means there's no turning back.  Ah… Giant robots.


I wanted to share a page from the script with the storyboard embedded.  I have always liked this kind of stuff, y'know, the behind the scenes stuff for other films.  Having the storyboard as part of the script is helpful since this movie is a very visual one.


The drawings are crappy because I did them fast… and I draw crappy.



Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Profanity is fun!

This is a short animation I did in just a few hours. The task was to take an audience's suggestion for a title and then write a piece around it that was about a minute long and in the comedy genre. Many directors did many different things.

This is what I did. The suggestion was, "Chase them all the way to Heaven"

Monday, April 14, 2008

New Film! Production Begins!

Hi everyone. 


Production begins on a new short film that I am writing and directing.  Roboto Supremo!  Some of you may know about an earlier no-budget version of it that I did a few years back.  Well now I am doing a higer ends version of it with a new script and amazing crew. 


The first feature that I directed was an urban comedy.  Since I am planning on doing some new work that is a little genre heavy I decided to do a short as proof of concept for some of my new ideas,  It helps money people feel more comfortable writing shecks.


Anyhow, we are in pre production right now with an excellent producer, DP, Sound Designer, Production designer, and VFX person.  If anyone is interested in stopping by my studio and being extra hands building a miniature city, let me know.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

It's too bad really

Since I got my new MP4 camera, I have become a much more annoying person. I apologize for the rest of my existence.

Here's Jason!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

What is wrong with the Frnch?

If, you are French then please justify this... if you can.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Time to make everyone happy!

This was one of the winners of the monthly film festival that I put on. Fro more about the festival got to www.firstsundays.com. The next show is April 6! Come on and hang out for our 6th year anniversary!

Friday, March 28, 2008


A note to all burlesque dancers.  If you did your same performance and you had on regular clothes and it is still entertaining then congrats, you are an artist.


If your show is boring unless you show your boobs, then uncongratulations… you're still a stripper.


If you are a stripper and your show is entertaining wven though you are fully dressed, then lets hope that it is intentionally entertaining in a "Look at her dance!" way and not unintentionally entertaining in a "What's that in her pants?" way.  If the former is truw  then congratulations.  If the latter, uncongratulations.


If you are a stripper without boobs then fine, but I hope that you still have nipples because if you don't, the show will bedisturbing.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Heretics of Google

It's Easter. Check out the design at google.com.

Right. There isn't one! what a major holiday to leave out. Are they against reigion, or Jesus or something>? They could never run for president. I would have definitely expected some eggs as the "o"'s in Google at the very least, and that's not asking much. Or maybe at least a bunny off to the side holding a card that sayd, "Google like bunnies, but not Jesus."

What's up google?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Pittsburgh and Patty

Happy belated St Patty's day!


If you are in  Pittsburgh, I will be at the Pittsburgh improv tomorrow night.


Here's an article about it if you like that sort of thing.  It's on the cover of the magazine section, Yay!




I'll be arriving later tonight in pittsburgh if anyone wants to get a midnight hamburger.


By the way.  Why doesn't St.Patricks day have a snake as a mascot?  I  mean. that was the big deal right?  Chasing snakes out of Ireland.  Why isn't there a St. Patty's day cobra?

Monday, March 17, 2008

Oh dear

There are way too many olives in my salad. They guy making it was
really muscular. I have a feeling that his generous delivery of olives
to my salad bowl is yet another way he overcompensates.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


Come and get it!  It's hot… wet it's warm… kinda chilly really, y''know the wind goes straight through these pants…well… it's there… if you want it come by and it'sll be waiting for you on the back steps..


Don't wake the neighbors.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


10 star = "Paris Hilton"

20 premise = "trite"

30 PLOT= RND ((x * 50) seed(7))




Tuesday, March 11, 2008

South By Southwest - Thanks PRINCE PAUL!

The premiere of NERDCORE RISING at the south by southwest film festival was awsome. Even more awesome was the after party where Prince Paul of De La Soul fame was DJ'ing!

Do I look happy and drunk? I am!!!

Friday, March 07, 2008

South By Southwest - Mar 8, 9, 10

Hey guys!


If you are going to be in Austin Texas at the South By Southwest Film Festival then come to the premiere of a documentary that I have a little bit to do with (associate producer) and my friend Kimmy (Co-director / producer) has a lot to do with!


Sunday March 9 – 10:30pm @ Alamo Drafthouse (1120 Lamar Blvd S) - MAP


It's all about Nerdcore HIP HOP.  TRAILER ->



Also there will be a kick ass after party that Prince Paul (super producer from De La Soul) will be DJing.  You're in if you want to be.


More info here!



I'll be there with bells on!

Thursday, March 06, 2008

Alien attack

Help. Help. An alien wants to eat me!

Wednesday, March 05, 2008

PIMP-Braham Lincoln

I just wanted to show you guys why lincoln was a much better president than anyone else. Written and Directed by me.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

waitress with a limp

I dont like it when I'm at a restaurant and my waitress has a limp.  It makes me feel horrible every time I ask her to get me something.  I feel like I should help her or something and help her get off her feet.  That is the exact opposite reaction that you want when it is someone else's job to serve you food.
Also, the fact that she has a limp makes her spill my coffee sometimes when it's coming to the table.... and then I feel like a jerk for beating her.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Desperate for Video Games

Sometimes I do things that fundamentally are really really wrong.

I was hanging out with my friend Jason adn he wanted a copy of Call Of Duty 4 for his xbox 360. We went lookig for a used vrsion of the game so that he could get it a little cheaper but unfortunately, there were non. He would have to pay full price and that just wasnt an expense that he was willing to go through.

Our next stop was Filene's basement. I had to stop by there because I had ripped the ass out of my jeans completely by accident. (don't ask) When we arrived to shop we were surprised to see that the store was having its annual bridal gown sale. A lot of the men's clothing were moved t othe back of the store to make room for the rows and rows of dresses.

After finding my replacement jeans, I get a great idea. So I put it to Jason, "Hey, if you try on a wedding dress and let me take photos, then I'll buy the game for you."

His first answer was "No fucking way." But then...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Dtop it Facebook

I am so tired of facebook.  It's so much work!
If I log in one more time to find out that a vampire has bitten me again then I am going to scream!

Monday, February 18, 2008

Sport Fishing

You know what the difference is between fishing and sport fishing?   If you call it sport fishing, you are that much more delusional about it.  The stupidest part about it is they don't even use the term sport fishing to describe the kind of fishing that's actually dangerous.  You know like the big new England  fisherman with the crazy facial hair that leave their families for months at a time and are sometimes pulled over the edge of the boat in a storm, or their fingers are ripped off by a net that's too heavy?  Those guys are just fishermen.  A "sport" fisherman is trying to catch as many tuna as he can in the least amount of time and then complains if the line breaks. 
I'd love to see a conversation between the two of them.
Sport Fisherman:  I had a rough day.  I lost my favorite lure.
Fisherman: Uh... well we got hit by a hurricane and the waves swept me over the deck... right next to the net... there was a school of mackerel that we were fishing for... anyway, the school had attracted a shark... and that's when he took my arm off... and most of my torso...
Sport Fisherman:  Well, the government forces us to throw our catches back cause they think it's wrong that we don't eat them.
Fisherman:  I won't be able to reproduce....

Friday, February 15, 2008

Roach problem?

We really need to get this place sprayed. There's a granola chick in
the office here. I think this crawled out of her pubic hair.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tuna Steak

I had tuna steak yesterday.  I remember the last time I had tuna steak I ended up being sentenced to my bathroom by a jury of my leaky butt for hours...  I forget though.  I forget that something happened because I tend to remeber the occurance but forget what the cause was exactly.  I
Thaat's why shortly after my meal yesterday I was sweating at a Starbucks and wondering how I was going to explain the smell to the line of people waiting at the bathroom door.
I'm single ladies!

Monday, February 11, 2008

Game Night

Okay, I ended up spending time at a game night at a bar and it was some of the most fun I've had in a VERY long time.  I alwasy enjoy when I get to beat the crap out of someone that talks a lot of yang in Scrabble and then lord it over them for the rest of the night.  I wish it was cool to just slap the loser across the face.
Game night, it really brings people together.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Remember Hexadecimal?

49 27 6d 20 67 6f 69 6e 67 20 74 6f 20 68 61 76 65 20 61 20 70 6f 6b 65 72 20 61 6e 64 20 6b 6e 69 74 74 69 6e 67 20 70 61 72 74 79 21 20 20 4e 6f 74 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 49 27 6d 20 67 61 79 2c 20 62 75 74 20 62 65 63 61 75 73 65 20 49 20 61 6d 20 61 20 6d 61 6e 20 77 68 6f 20 69 73 20 63 6f 6d 66 6f 72 74 61 62 6c 65 20 77 69 74 68 20 66 65 6d 69 6e 69 6e 65 20 74 68 69 6e 67 73 2e 20 20 59 65 73 2c 20 49 20 61 6d 20 73 61 79 69 6e 67 20 49 20 61 6d 20 63 6f 6d 66 6f 72 74 61 62 6c 65 20 77 69 74 68 20 76 61 67 69 6e 61 73 21 0d 0a 0d 0a 49 66 20 59 6f 75 20 77 6f 75 6c 64 20 6c 69 6b 65 20 74 6f 20 63 6f 6d 65 20 74 6f 20 6d 79 20 70 61 72 74 79 2c 20 6c 65 74 20 6d 65 20 6b 6e 6f 77 2e

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Angry robot

I'm working on a logo for my production company. I love robots.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

The Naked Show Review

Okay, so yes, I performed at the Naked Standup Showcase and I was totally nude in front of a clothed and nude mixed audience.  Just telling jokes.
Anyway, I thought it would be funny to enter the stage crying like Coa-Coa from fame.  I was hunched over and covering my junk as tears ran down my face.  This was funny to many of the clothed people, but the nudists that thing think that nudity is nothing to make fun of had a different idea.
Anyhow, the main thing that I realized was that everyone was hyper-sensitive to everything that you said.  I admit that I thought the audience was going to spend a lot of time just staring at my balls, they're beautiful, but it was as if everyone was heavily invested in every syllable that escaped your lips.  Weird.
Fun show though.  I recommend it to people with hot bodies, their more fun to watch.  I know that's not the nudist way, but f that.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

Big Cup. Tiny Spoon

At the coffee shop around the corner from my apartment they serve
coffee on giant cups with tiny spoons. It feels like you're a giant
that found an even bigger giants cup of coffee but you only had a spoon
from a villager.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Naked Stand Up

Right, so this saturday I am participating in a naked stand-up show.


The details:

SAT Feb 2, Showtime is at 8PM, and the cover is $10.

Tickets are Now available at: The PIT

The People's Improv Theatre
154 W. 29th Street
New York, NY 10001
(212) 563-7488 for Reservations and Info

Okay, you have the details, now here are my thoughts.  at first I was nervouse because I am a bit of a physicl performer and I assumed that it my be distrating to see my twig and berries whirling around, but when I found out that many of the audience members that come to the show are nudists and in fact the crowd will be pretty naked as well, well that just scared me even more.  I want to be clear;  I am not afraid of nudity, but does mass nudity disturb me a little?  We'll see what happens on saturday…

Thursday, January 31, 2008

F U iphone

Did you know the iphone cant send and recieve pictures through MMS. The same way that most phone send pictures?
If you call apple and complain they politely tell you that all you have to do is simply have everyone you know send text messages to your email instead of your phone number.  THAT's your solution.  I should call every frend and business contact that I know and tell them to send me pictures in a different and inconvenient way?  I should change the world around my phone?!  That's like telling everyone that they can only speak to me in adjectives.  I mean, sure, the language that you know and love works fine, but I just decided that I want to do things a different way and now you have to cater to it.
F U apple.
Do you know how embarrassing it is when you tell someone that you can't recieve MMS messages?  Then they're all like, "What?!  You paid five hundred dollars and you cant send MMS?  My phone can and I got it out of the bargain bin at Wal Mart!"  Then I tell them that it can't record movies either and they're like, "WHAT!  My phone can record movies, and I found it in dumpster behind Burger King for free!"  And then I tell them that my phone can't even save pictures that I do recieve through email to my photo album on my phone and they're like "OH MY GOD!  I found my phone in the chest cavity of a dead deer and my phone can do that!  What the FUCK!!!!!!!!"
Come on iphone!
No, I'm not even gonna capitalize the "p" anymore.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Next Self Portrait

This somehow explains a lot about me. Click to animate.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

A tad lonely

Today I woke up a tad lonely.  There's nothing in particular wrong.  My career and my life are pretty fantastic right now.  I don't have a serious girlfriend but I like the idea of one.


I;m not sad… just eh… today.  If you see me give me a big hug.


If you don't see me, I'm probably behind you.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Asian Dick Tracy

My friend Randal used to dress normal. Somehow he has landed ay "Asian Dick

I'm a good friend.

Friday, January 25, 2008

The Pacifier

I accidentally saw this movie recently.
The Pacifier, Starring Vin Diesel, is another one of those, "Tough guys is forced to watch a bunch of crazy lovable kid" films.  In the grand tradition of Kindergarten Cop and The Game Plan.
In the Pacifier Diesel is a navy Seal who is forced to watch kids after he fails in a mission where he was supposed to protect their father.  THIS NEVER COMES UP LATER.  The reason that he has to watch the kids is because he got their father killed.  This movie is supposed to be a comedy.  Way to kick it off.
During the first part of the "film"  he comes off as pretty strict and all the kids hate him.  He wont let them do anything and yells all the time.  It looks like they will never get along... until ninjas attack.  Diesel fights off the ninjas and the kids are so grateful that they realize that he was only trying to protect them by being so strict.
Diesel uses Karate to solve most of the problems in the movie.  One girl's scout troop is being constantly harassed by a cub scout troop so Diesel teaches them karate so that they can fight the boys off.  One kid is constantly harassed by his pushy Vice Principal at school.  Diesel beats up the Vice Principal in front of the entire school.  Etc... etc... until the entire cast somehow knows karate and defeats evil by kicking it in the balls.  (This was a kids film.)
See it!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Claudia is

Funny and pretty and KRAZY!!!!

I made a... a...

Thing! YES! I made a thing in my knitting class! I'm going to use it for.... something.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Long Time Knitting

It has been such a long time since I have posted, i apologize.  I spent the holidays in many states of sobriety and among many different types of company.  I broke the proverbial Christmas bread with a once imprisoned "enemy of the city" and spent some time running in fear from my supercharged four year old niece.  (I swear she  couldn't hold still if a donkey sat on her.)
Today is my first private knitting class.  I tried the public class route but the fact that I am a man seems to piss off everyone in the knitting community.  I ended up hiring this guy who knits amazing pieces that are sold in soho.  Tonight, if you came by my house, you'd see two guys just sitting on a couch knitting.