Come see the improvised standup show that freaking rocks! This week's special guest from LAST COMIC STANDING, Joey Gay! Just think about all the jokes that we are going to make about his name!
Roger Hailes, Jordan Carlos, Victor Varnado
August 22, TUES
Riffifi - 11th street between 1st and 2nd ave- NYC
Come see us make the shit up!
Special Guest JOEY GAY from LAST COMIC STANDING
this is the butter that came with my breakfast.
Is this normal? Do you normally get a slab of butter as big across as your english muffin? I don't know what the use of spreading it would beif it already covers the entire surface of the muffin. For a while I thought about making a butter sandwich but my arteries chokesd me just for thinking about it.
The think they're tough.
Hi Victor,I think that you are really funny and I would love to throw some cash your way for services! What do you think?James
(Horrible and possibly friendship ending mistakes.)
About a week and a half ago I was a little tipsy in a bar and a pretty drunk girl came up to me and tried to kiss me.
I kissed her back.
The girl, I soon realized was ridiculously drunk so I decided to stop kissing her. The girl, was so drunk in fact that me and another guy in the bar and I had to find a woman to take her into the ladies room and help her pee. The girl decides that she wants to go bar hopping and I suggest that she get in a cab and go home. She responds by passing out.
I offered to pay for the cab if some people who knew her would take her home and they refused. . I left her to get her purse and told someone else to watch over her and I came back to find her falling toward the bar head first. Yes; I caught her. I really did not want to be seen leaving a bar with an incoherent drunk woman that I had kissed (see "The bad side of being a good Samaritan" below) before but I also did not want to ditch an unconscious woman in the west village and hope for the best.
I go to her house with her. I lay her on the bed and call my friend Rick in Minnesota, and we share stories about baby-sitting drunk people. He has a funny one. A little later the girl is making sounds like she is about to throw up and she is laying on her back. I've heard those stories about people drowning in their own vomit. I take the girl, put her in the bathroom and aim her at the toilet. She throws up on her pants.
I take her back to her bed and go to sleep.
We wake up in the morning and she has no idea why I am there. She has no idea that we kissed. I am fully dressed. She is fully dressed and smells like vomit. I tell her what happened. She is surprised and I think that is a good thing. I would hate to think this was an everyday thing for her.
Here’s where it gets funky. The girl turns out to be good friends with my ex girlfriend and doesn’t want this whole thing to go any farther.
Tonight the girl tells my ex that she was drunk, I kissed her and that she doesn’t remember what else happened and “Oh by the way, do you think Victor would… you know…”
Luckily my ex knows me a lot better than this girl and tells her that that is not a possibility, but that doesn’t mean my ex isn’t mad as shit for me kissing her friend.
The girl only knew that we kissed because I told her and when we woke up we were both fully clothed, so I don’t know how she got to the point where she would ask if I would… you know…
Here’s my question:
1. Should I have said anything to the girl about the whole incident? I thought telling the truth was the best idea.
2. Should I have told my ex first even though she had asked me not to?
Here are my guesses:
1. Yes. I should have told her. Though I feel threatened by her question, I should understand that women feel threatened all the time and blah blah blah- whatever the whole thing sucks.
2. I don’t know. I though that it was not a damaging thing in the first place, just really stupid. I really don’t know, but I regret not telling my ex at this point.
I do have a plan though. I am thinking about twisting my dick off and feeding it to birds.Problem solved. No dick, no questions.
1. What time did you get up this morning? 10 am
2. Diamonds or Pearls? Pearls, but not the kind you find in oysters, I refer to the kind that land on a lady's neck.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Fun with Dick and Jane, or a as I like to call it, I am a Dick for paying for
4. What is your favorite TV show? 24, are you serious? There are no other shows.
5. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing... I need to get married
6. What's your middle name? Curtis, Incidentally my Father's name is Curtis, my older brother's middle name is Curtis and I have a
younger brother named Curtis.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? I like potatoes.
8. What foods do you dislike? things with strange textures.
9. Your favorite Potato chip? Kettle Blue Chips
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? ??? Saturday Morning, it's a compilation of Saturday morning cartoon themes covered by
11. What kind of car do you drive? None. The last car I drove was a sweet rental.
12. Favorite sandwich? PB and J
13. What characteristics do you despise? Cheaters.
14. What are your favorite clothes? I go back and forth, it has been only recently that I enjoyed dressing up.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you
go? Mexico, I know its no big deal, it's just that I have never been.
6. What color is your bathroom? White with blue accents
17. Favorite brand of clothing? I am partial to Banana Republic because I lack imagination.
18. Where would you want to retire to? Montana. what? It's nice.
19. Favorite time of day? afternoon
20. Where were you born? New York City right now, but itching to get back to LA
21. Favorite sport to watch? Sports?
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? I don't care, I don't plan on sending it out to anyone but Corey Burrington and my
23. Who will be the first to respond? I doubt anyone will, but we'll see.
25. Are you a morning person or night owl? Night owl
26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I am sweating.
27. What did you want to be when you were little? Computer Programmer
28. What is your best childhood memory? Wearing my Grandpa's hat.
29 . What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Computer Programmer, actor and writer are the big ones.
30. Nicknames: Asshole. It's not really a nickname, just something people call me.
31. Number and location of piercing's? None anymore.
32. Eye Color? Hazel
33. Ever been to Africa? No
34. Ever been toilet papering? No, do I live in an eighties movie?
35. Been in a car accident? Yes
36. Favorite day of the week? Your mom.
37. Favorite restaurant? Mo Pitkins right now.
38. Favorite flower? lily.
39. Favorite ice cream? coffee.
40. Favorite fast food restaurant? Never! (Taco Bell Shhhhhhhh.)
41. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Toys R Us
42. Bedtime: Late
43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this
questionnaire? Ugh, who wrote this!
44. Last person you went to dinner with? Itamar Moses
45. What are you listening to right now? The hum of the computer fan
46. What is your favorite color? Blue? I don't know.
47. How many tattoos do you have? none
48. Who was the last e-mail you got before this one? A message from a former student that she wanted to come to my show.
49. How many people are you sending this Email to? I told you that already stupid questionnaire! Don't you listen?!
50. What time did you finish this e-mail? 1:30 am
I know I complain about being in cabs a lot but right now I am in a cab witha driver that smells exactly like dooky.
The thing about that is, if you smell like dooky you know that you smell like dooky. You never say 'wow now that you mention it I DO smell like dooky.'
when I got in the cab we locked eyes and a silent conversation took plce.
'is that you?'
I rolled down the window and even though it was cold, he didn't question me.
Tonight I went to a readingseries that was all about erotica. I thought that it would be a bust at first but it proved to be a reallygood show.
The most interesting part of the show for me was the fact that during one of the most arousing portions of the show, I was sitting next to the mother of one of my friends. I dont know a lot about erotica, but I do know that you cant enjoy it when you are sitteng nxt to your friends mother.
Afterwards a woman challenged me to a dance off, but as you know, I cant be beaten.
I cant be beaten...
I went out to do a few jokes tonight and two, count em, two people were filiming my set tonight.
I talked to both of them and one of them was nice and one of them was an ass. I was nice to the nice one and an ass to the ass one.
Lookit, I'm an instrument of instant karma.
This is not interesting.