I know a guy who smells like poop.

He's a smart guy and has a lot of ideas about the world and how things should be.

 

I never take his advice though.  He smells like poop.

________________
www.bestalbino.com

This is Myka

Myka is a struggling comedian. I can't put my finger on what she's struggling against, but I think its important.

House Of Carters

I have learned a lot from E Networks House of Carters.  I had no idea at first that there were so many ways to be selfish and borderline retarded and still be a unique individual.

 

Especially if unique means being basically the same.

This is Josh.

Josh is a brilliant comedian that I like.

FOOLS again.

Remeber when I talked about the fools a few months back? They're a girl band that kicks ass. I just saw them again and they are even better. Wow. Wowee wow wow.

Theater!

Seeing a matinee of hairspray with my friend. Isn't this what new york is supposed to be about?

Silly.

For some reason right now is the high season of all my friends hooking up and crawling all over one another. Silly isn't it.

This is Nelis

My first day of shooting on a new film and on the way to the set my driver ges pulled over by the cops.

Making movies os AWESOME.

SEXY SALLY

I don't know if many of you remember my friend Sally. She used to be my assistant but has graduated from that posistion.

Anyway, this past week she had a dinner party and we decided to play some poker after the plates were away. The loser would have to perform a dare. I wrote five on index cards and Sally was supposed to pick. She lost by the by.

Anna, Sally's roommate disqualified two of the choices because they were too one thing or another.

Sally picked a card. On the card I had written: Dress up like a ho, take a picture, and post it on myspace.

Look

I'm a jerk.

LAST COMIC STANDING's Joey Gay TONIGHT!

Come see the improvised standup show that freaking rocks!  This week's special guest from LAST COMIC STANDING, Joey Gay!   Just think about all the jokes that we are going to make about his name!

Roger Hailes, Jordan Carlos, Victor Varnado

August 22, TUES
FLYING BLIND

10 pm
Improvised Standup
FREE
Riffifi - 11th street between 1st and 2nd ave- NYC
Come see us make the shit up!
Special Guest JOEY GAY from LAST COMIC STANDING

 

Crazy

Last night I hosted a show at Bar None called Grandma's Candy Box.  The show is know for being unruly.  I had hosted once before and had a great time.  In fact, I had performed a few times at the show and had a great time.

 

The show has changed.  I still had a great time hosting, but the show has definitely become some sort of beast.  It felt like whipping ferocious lions back into the cage after they had been starved and released on the Christians.

 

Biblical.

I LOVE TRON!

Recognizer on the front.  Light Cycles on the back.

 

Yes I own this adidas TRON jacket.

 

JACKET

 

And I will be wearing it to the midnight showing of TRON at The Sunshine cinemas this friday.

 

MOVIE

 

You are welcome to come see the truth.!

This is Kim

Kim Is a new comedian who is trying to make it work. Whas your guessm do you think she's funny.

You and I should be together...

Hi there.  Isn't it about time you came out to see me and then I saw you too?  Read below for news.

 

This week you can find me in public at:

 

FLYING BLIND - FREE

10:oo PM TUES

Rififi - 11th Street between 1st and 2nd NYC

Improvised Standup Comedy SON!

Roger Hailes, Jordan Carlos, Victor Varnado

with special guest MYKA FOX

 

GRANDMA'S CANDY BOX - FREE

10:oo PM THURS

Bar None - 3rd AVE between 12th and 13th NYC

I host a night of Comedy

Myka Foc and Eliza Santos

 

NEWS

I just got offered some cash to write and direct three short films.  The weird thing is, the network that is footing the bill decide to let me do whatever I want on this one.  Just money and free reign.  I will say the name of the company once they give me the okay.  See you later?

 

Later.

 

Genius

If you have a friend that is talented or whatever. Never refer to them as a genius to their face. Worse still, never refer to them as a genius to a group of people and then turn to them s if they are about to do something that is total genius.

They may not.

Amd then they'll be mad.

Bling Bling Barbie

Don't act like you're suprised to find out that this exists.

 

It's a barbie doll specifically marketed to look like white women do in rap videos.

 

BLING_BLING!

 

Word

Fan Art

My friend Chelsea Peretti is a writer and comic living in NYC.

 

I made her some fan art and she posted it on her blog.

 

Here it is.

 

I'm artistic.

So.ething Profound

Today one of my friends told me that my talent will only take me so far and after that I would have to rely on my name.

Is that backwards?

Darwin

I found out this week that I have a slight allergic reaction to plums, peaches, and nectarines.  Today I am eating white cherries.  As I go through the different types of fruit, it is my hope allergic reactions, if any, continue to be small.

 

I would hat to inadvertently kill myself.

 

 

I hope my mom isn't reading this.

 

I know she is.

You should watch this.

It's imperative that you do

Part 1

Part 2

ROBOT!!!

There's a robot on my desk! There's a robot on my desk!

Running around

Last night I had two stand-up shows and a meeting packed into three hours and strewn across the city.  The good news is that Late Night with Conan O'Brien called me back and wanted me to pitch new material to be on their show for a second time!  Word.   I am happy to get on the get-got and make it happen, but this week I ham swamped with so much work that I am sweating it.

 

I have two writing deadlines for Friday and another deadline for Sunday.  I don't know if I can make it and make sure that everything is top notch.

 

And that's why I am in favor of cloning.

Vegan says too much

This lady walking four dogs handed me a flyer as I passed her on the street.

 

"Just spreading the word of veganism."  She said.

 

I'm no vegan, but I try to be polite so I grab her flyer and say thanks.

 

"No, thank YOU fellow kind brother human."  She says.

 

I made the just to rip the flyer up then and there incase I accidentally read it and it drove me as crazy as she obviously was.

Nobody goes out in the rain.

What happened to New York?

 

You'd think it was raining bull urine or something, the way people are flaking out and all.

________________
www.bestalbino.com

Idiot Sevant

Is this an idiot Sevant?

http://www.fazed.org/video/?id=234

I am at a new gig right now. I will be writing a lot for the game company I used to work with and developing a pilot for a cartoon right now. Also, I just got offered a directing position on a new film. Right now it's in the earliest stages of pre production.

I'm alsu hungry.

Vegan says too much

This lady walking four dogs handed me a flyer as I passed her on the street.

"Just spreading the word of veganism." She said.

I'm no vegan, but I try to be polite so I grab her flyer and say thanks.

"No, thank YOU fellow kind brother human." She says.

I made the just to rip the flyer up then and there incase I accidentally read it and it drove me as crazy as she obviously was.

A Scanner Darkly

Nobody trusts anything in the world and movies like this fuel that sentiment.  Don't get me wrong, I really liked it mind you but that's because I really like creepy paranoid movies.

 

Did Keanu kill his family in this movie?

 

Anyway, it's 90 degrees in new york city and I just figured out how to make sure my air-conditioning covers my entire apartment.

________________
www.bestalbino.com

I don't know...

I have no idea what's going on with me and my new ex girlfriend, but we did just have a nice lunch.

Shadow Of The Colossus

This is video game.  I really think that it is the greatest game ever made.

 

Here's the premise:

 

You come to a temple with your dead girlfriend in your arms and ask the God's if they would please bring her back to life.  The God's are like sure they will if you will only go kill these sixteen mythical  beasts.

 

And that's it.  You hunt down mountain sized beasts in the hopes that these dudes will bring your dead girlfriend back to life.

 

It makes no sense, but I understand it.

 

Uh... before you judge me, you have to realize that I love games and art, and when they merge, I freak out.

 

I'm lame aren't I.

 

Don't tell me.

________________
www.bestalbino.com

Noodle Night Minutes

5:30

I got a call from Jay in response to my text message.  ?!  Anyway... he tells me that the time is pushed back about fifteen minutes.  He an Meg invite me to their house.  I think it's weird and decide to meet them at the noodle shop.

 

6:30

We meet outside Sammy's noodles and end up waiting for Dale.  Isn't this a situation that just repeats itself.  Waiting for Dale to show up.  Waiting for Dale to "get it".  Waiting for Dale to stop blowing his nose and stop looking into his kleenex.

 

6:31

Dale Finally shows up.  Maybe I overreacted.

 

6:31

This gets a seperate entry with the same time out of anger.  I'm told we are walking from this perfectly good noodle shop in search of another noodle shop.  People want "variety".  I want food.  Meg informs me that if we walk we will eventually get both.  I kill her.

 

6:45

Jay, Dale, Ritch, Alan and me arrive at the new noodle shop.  Meg has become a reasonable zombie and follows along.  She promises to pay for her meal so noone severs her spinal chord.  (That's how you kill a zombie.)

 

6:50

We sit at the table and then I realize, "Who the fuck is Alan?"  Jay has brough along a boy toy.  I would be mad, but it's good timing since I killed his wife.  Meg looks on with longing.  I don't know if she's jealous or just smells brains.

 

6:55

We place our order with the Japanes waiter with and Italian accent.  Okay maybe the accent was actually Japanes, but what's the difference?

 

7:10

We eat.

 

7:12

Ritch catches fire!  I don't know how he caught fire but I do know that Zombie freak the fuck out near flames.  Meg runs for the door but the waiter bars her way because she hasn't paid her check.  Damn lying zombie!  She said she was going to pay her check!

 

7:30

The apocolypse comes.

 

7:45

The apocolypse leaves and thing are pretty much the same except there is no doubt that there is a God.

 

8:00

I have to leave.  I step over the body of the waiter and look for a cab. 

 

Dale wants a ride too.  I wait for him.

 

 

How am I not crazy?

I sit in the house writing all day and then I go out at night and tell jokes.  I don't have a writing buddy that has a similar schedule.  I just don't.

 

I need a writing buddy.

________________
www.bestalbino.com

Alas...

Seems like my schedule while making a movie was too much for my last girlfriend to endure. 

 

I have to start dating again if I am going to make some babies within the year.  I have to start dating or building a mechanical baby.  I don't really want a baby, but I totally want a robot.  I love robots...

 

Wait, maybe may last girl called it quits because I like robots so much.  Now I'm thinking that if my last girlfriend were a robot we'd still be together.

________________
www.bestalbino.com

This is Annie

Annie has OCD but it works in our favor because she's our acript superviser and in charge of continuity.

This is Brian

Brian is the first AD on Twist The Cap: A Tale of redemption. Does it ook like this dude is hoding it al together? He, with the help three other people are definitely making it happen.

Meeitngs are FUN!

Yesterday we had quite a few meetings happening all at once.

PROPS AND WARDROBE

Here's a conversation that we all had. All people from props and wardrobe were there, plus the DP, plus the producer. We had two styles of beverage containers that we were looking at from one of our sponsors.

ME:

Which one of these can we use.

PRODUCER:

Any one you want to use.

I lay out all the bottles in front of the pros people. and we narrow it down to one of the glass bottles with the old school tops.

ME:

This one.

PRODUCER:

The sponsor wants that one.

ME:

Do we have to use that one?

PRODUCER:

Np.

ME:

Okay, then we want to use this one.

PRODUCER:

This one looke like a beer bottle. I like the way that that one looks.

ME:

Without restraint, we would choose this one.

PRODUCER:

What would you choose if you had restraint?

ME:

What? Do we HAVE to use that one?

PRODUCER:

No.

ME:

Okay, then we want this one.

PRODUCER:

... ... Let me make a call.

A few minutes go by while the producer is on the phone. The Lawyer walks in.

LAWYER:

We are using that bottle.

ME:

So we are.

Location Day

Walking around Harlem on a hot summer days sure sounds like fun, but in practice, it'sactually pretty sweaty.  My Producer, location manager and I paced back and forth from bedega to bodega and in and out of liquor stores to find just the right place for Charlie Murphy to run in and out of.

 

I noticed that when you get to 160th street, th preferred uniform of young ladies is a tight t-shirt and tight jeans, but around 140th street the uniform is a tube or tank top and a miniskirt.  Although I can identify the uniforms, I have no idea hat the goals of the organization are.

 

Victor

It's a hot day in NYC

I went to a party today and there were some people talking about paying for art in  installments because when you buy art while the price is rising it's a good investment for the future.

 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

 

________________

www.bestalbino.com - word

 

You ever have a great day?

- followed by a crazy day that makes you want to vomit? I have... I mean am.

Thanks for all the public and private compliments about Conan O'Brien!

And they think that I'M the crazy one.

I talking with a group of riends, all girls last night and then one of them tells me that whe nyou are going out with someone oand you go out and make out with someone on the side when you are drunk at a bar then thats okay.

 

That's crazy and I siad as much.  At first the three of them were all united against me, but as the main instgator of the conversation,it was amazing to see the smiles fade from the faces of the other women as her explanation and intention got crazier and crazier.  At one point the other women had that, how did we get caught up in this debacle, sort of face on.

 

I know the woman is not here to defend herself, but this is my blog so whatever.

Conan O Brien tomorrow.

So tomorrow I am on Conan O'Brien and I will be attempting to rock the house.  Sure I'm a little nervous but I think the important thing to remeber is that I am introducing myself to thousands of people and enriching them by letting them know that a black albino actually exists.

 

I don't completely know the demographic of Conan's audiece, btu i bet that most of them wouldn't crap their pants when they see me on the screen. If I was in front of Jay Leno's audince, I wonder hundreds of geezers across the country would be grabbing their chests in surprise.

 

I guess I'm happy that I am on Conan instead of Leno, cause really, I  don't want to kill anybody.

my new assistant.

unfortunately my old assistant self destucted this is eric. isn't he sad?

I'll be on Conan O'Brien this week.

Hi there!

I know that I have been quiet for a while, but here's the poop about my life.

CONAN

Thursday May 25th is when I perform on Conan. I will be appearing right along side Jennifer Anniston. i wonder if I will be the first black albino comedian she has ever seen. Anyhoo, tune into NBC at 12:30 / 11:30 central and check it out.

TWIST THE CAP: A tale of redemption.

The new movie that I am directing starring Charlie Murphy (Chappelle's show) and Ike Barinholtz (Mad TV) will start shooting on May 30th. Look for a production diary and video blog to start soon. Right now there is just a teaser site (www.twistthecap.com) thrown up.

FUNNY INTERVIEW

I can't believe that they published this interview. They did though. It was also featured on Gawker.com

SEE IT hERE

Phew.

________________

www.bestalbino.com - word

Yay phone!

My new pbone has cool preset picture things. So there!

My desk is a mess.

I should really think about cleoning it.

Cat.

I'm gonna eat this cat.

Hot Dog

I was hungry and I started eating the hot dog before I ate it.

Time Iut NY mkes fun of my SWEATER!

HERE!

Brekfast Quesadilla!

Mmm. I like sals in my food and my women!

Radio!

We are promoting the shows on pittsburg radio with super DJ Alan Cox.

This mic is as big as my head.

This mike

This is real. Mike is the rock paper scissors champpion of pittsburgh and is on his way to the Luxor in Vegas for the national championships! Wow!

Late dinner

Meatloaf and a salad with italian dressing. I don't know why I couldn't wait to take a picture before I devoured my food.... I just couldn't.

Breakfast Time!

Egg cheese and bacon on wheat bread. Water orange juice and cream soda. Good first show last night and plenty of time to rethink yesterdays eating choices.

Lunchtime?

On the road to Pittsburgh to entertain the kids!! I don't know what is more nutricious., beef jerky, candy necklaces, or the resces Fast Break!

This Is...

this is the butter that came with my breakfast.

Is this normal? Do you normally get a slab of butter as big across as your english muffin? I don't know what the use of spreading it would beif it already covers the entire surface of the muffin. For a while I thought about making a butter sandwich but my arteries chokesd me just for thinking about it.

The think they're tough.

What the?

In osh NYC clubs girls dance in fake showers under green lights.

I can't believe someone wants to hire me!

Well, obviously I get hired a lot,but I got an e-mail from a private citizen wanting to hire me for a job.  Here it is:

 

Hi Victor,

 

I think that you are really funny and I would love to throw some cash your way for services!  What do you think?

 

James

 

Well James, I am not quite sure what the services are that you are inquiring about. In order to help you out, I will list a few of the things that I do and then my rates.  Hope this helps.

 

I will perform standup comedy for an hour:

    $5,000

 

I will write you a feature length screenplay:

    $10,000

 

I will write you a feature length screenplay that is actually good:

    $90,000

 

I will watch your puppy:

    FREE

 

I will teach you how to write a more comprehensive e-mail:

    $4

 

I will teach your mother how to bark:

    $4500

 

I will make a feature film on DV with you as the star (this includes writing a crappy script):

    $150,000

 

I will make a feature film on DV with you as the star based on something that is not insulting to you. (this also includes writing a crappy script):

    $150,000

 

I will prance around wearing nothing but a sock (on my nethers):

    FREE (I've actually done this on numerous times for free)

 

I will prance around wearing nothing but a sock (on my foot):

    $15

 

I will prance around wearing nothing but a sock (on my foot and you are not a hot woman who is willing to sleep with me):

    $500

 

I will prance around wearing nothing but a sock (on my foot and you are disgusting in some way, you know, like you have an extra nose on you face or you poop every five minutes, or maybe you smell like old cabbage):

    $66,450

 

I will teach you Karate:

    $40 / hr

 

I will teach you Tae Kwon Do (which I actually know):

    1 ass whooping.

 

I could go on James, but I think what I am really trying to say is your e-mail is a bit open ended and I thing that you might try to rewrite it.

Genius is Relative

Sometimes I think that I am really smart, and then sometimes I can barely figure out the smallest, dumbest things, and then I get mad at the inanimate.  Screw YoU KEyBoarD nln '4 9 we qerkqp 'w . wli 5w oiw w 5hw4 ,'j rhmw4om hmw4 w45mjbrtsmj0 m0s j

________________
www.bestalbino.com

BAM!

The version of ninety miles an hour that is most likely going to shot just left my desk.

 

In other news, I want a puppy.

 

24 drinking game (spolers for last wee)

Played with beer and cookies

 

If someone gives and order, take a drink.

If someone disobeys an order, take two drinks.

If Jack yells, take a drink.

If someone disobeys an order from the president, finish the bottle.

 

If someone gets hurt, eat a cookie.

If someone dies on screen eat a cookie.

If someone whose name you know dies eat three cookies.

 

If you saw last weeks episode, you know that Michael and I pretty much thought we were in the clear until the end of the second hour when the bad guys dropped nerve gas on the home base of the good guys and TONS of people were dying on screen.

 

Cookies do not go with beer and my tummy hurts.

What am I doing awake?

I was up yesterday for approximately 20 hours.

 

I went to bed at about 5 am and for some reason I woke up at 9:30 anyway.  MY INTERNAL CLOCK IS PISSED AT ME!

 

I have been diligently working on a rewrite of the script that I am directing and as a reward; I should be able to sleep.

 

Still can't give away all the casting details so stop asking!

 

Grrr!

Back to the old grind.

I will announce all the details later, but I am directing a feature film for the first time and there are even recognizable stars in it.  But remember how crazy I was when I was writing the Stan Lee movie?  I was stir crazy from being in front of the computer all day and now I am doing a polish of the script that I am directing.

 

NO I AM NOT DIRECTING ONE OF THE STAN LEE MOVIES!!!!

 

I only co-wrote the Stan Lee movie so no crazy emails please.  My movie is going to rock though!

This is Dominika and Zaida

Two great tastes that go great together.

that is not sexual.

Happy Birthday

Last night was my assistants birthday. She's turning twelve or something.

 

I got her a gift certificate so that she can buy a shitload of comic books.  My assistant likes comic books!  especially books with zombies in them! 

 

If you are an emo boy I think I found your wet dream.

This is Sandra

Okay, this appears to be a cute picture of a cute girl, but if you look really close. You may be able to see the seed of evil...

Or maybe it's gas.

Today was just one of those days.

Today I felt like I was walking amongst ghosts.

 

I forget sometimes that the world is a place filled with people that are incomplete.  I myself am incomplete.

 

Yawn...

I never snowboarded

UNTIL NOW!!!!!

CLICK FOR VIDEO

This is Sven

I asked him if a crazy man on stage was his dad and Sven played along.

This is Elon

Elon was once shot in the face! He's still a cuddly wuddly teddy bear!

Pregnant Party

Last night I went to a party for the opening of a play. It was a lot of fun. When I looked out on the dance floor I saw a pregnant woman dancing and she appeared t be wearing some sort of peasant blous.

Here's how stupid I am: I a ssumed that she was wearing a costume because we were at the opening of a play. I walked over to her and said, "nice pregnant costume"

Oops. Turns out she was just fat.

Just kidding, she was smuggling a bomb.

Kidding again, she was pregnant.

I got a new cell number

This blog is a clearinghouse of information!

Call my old number to get my new one! If you don't have my old number, then obviously we're not friends.

Music Bitch

I like music and so do the ladies.
Turn up them beats cause I likes to making babies.
Slap you in the boody and bite you with my rabies.
I likes music and so do the ladies.

Are you bored?

Come see me on myspace and be my friend.

http://www.myspace.com/victorvarnado

Aw... why not?

Nuts in The Snow

This week has been a little crazy. Looks like I will be in a total of four movies for sure this year and possibly up to as many as seven fother things work out. I can give you details laer, but righ tnow you should know that there are 27 inches of snow in NYC and I spent the day inside eating Chinese food and watching syriana.

There's a clue to my whereabouts in the last paragraph. If you find me, I'll give you a dollar.

Everyone makes mistakes right?

(Horrible and possibly friendship ending mistakes.)

About a week and a half ago I was a little tipsy in a bar and a pretty drunk girl came up to me and tried to kiss me.

I kissed her back.

The girl, I soon realized was ridiculously drunk so I decided to stop kissing her. The girl, was so drunk in fact that me and another guy in the bar and I had to find a woman to take her into the ladies room and help her pee. The girl decides that she wants to go bar hopping and I suggest that she get in a cab and go home. She responds by passing out.

I offered to pay for the cab if some people who knew her would take her home and they refused. . I left her to get her purse and told someone else to watch over her and I came back to find her falling toward the bar head first. Yes; I caught her. I really did not want to be seen leaving a bar with an incoherent drunk woman that I had kissed (see "The bad side of being a good Samaritan" below) before but I also did not want to ditch an unconscious woman in the west village and hope for the best.

I go to her house with her. I lay her on the bed and call my friend Rick in Minnesota, and we share stories about baby-sitting drunk people. He has a funny one. A little later the girl is making sounds like she is about to throw up and she is laying on her back. I've heard those stories about people drowning in their own vomit. I take the girl, put her in the bathroom and aim her at the toilet. She throws up on her pants.

I take her back to her bed and go to sleep.

We wake up in the morning and she has no idea why I am there. She has no idea that we kissed. I am fully dressed. She is fully dressed and smells like vomit. I tell her what happened. She is surprised and I think that is a good thing. I would hate to think this was an everyday thing for her.

I leave.

Here’s where it gets funky. The girl turns out to be good friends with my ex girlfriend and doesn’t want this whole thing to go any farther.

Tonight the girl tells my ex that she was drunk, I kissed her and that she doesn’t remember what else happened and “Oh by the way, do you think Victor would… you know…”

Luckily my ex knows me a lot better than this girl and tells her that that is not a possibility, but that doesn’t mean my ex isn’t mad as shit for me kissing her friend.

The girl only knew that we kissed because I told her and when we woke up we were both fully clothed, so I don’t know how she got to the point where she would ask if I would… you know…

Here’s my question:

1. Should I have said anything to the girl about the whole incident? I thought telling the truth was the best idea.

2. Should I have told my ex first even though she had asked me not to?

Here are my guesses:

1. Yes. I should have told her. Though I feel threatened by her question, I should understand that women feel threatened all the time and blah blah blah- whatever the whole thing sucks.

2. I don’t know. I though that it was not a damaging thing in the first place, just really stupid. I really don’t know, but I regret not telling my ex at this point.

I do have a plan though. I am thinking about twisting my dick off and feeding it to birds.

Problem solved. No dick, no questions.

Scrrening today

I went to a screening of a comedy DVD that Keith Malley was the star of and I introduced. It was awesome. O thought that keith was great and very funny.

He had a bit that was my favorite of the night but I forgot it.

Thanks beer.

Subway Candid

People just can't let go of prince.

Yes that's a MAN in a ZORRO HAT putting on lip balm.

Karaoke

These fools are about to learn the joy of Copacabana!

I am dumb.

I am a bachelor and I eat a lot of meals outside of my home.  It was three months before I realized that I didn't have the gas turned on in my apartment.   To put things in perspective, I don't need gas for heat because my building has that end covered.  The only thing that I need gas for is to cook.

 

One day when I tried to cook I discovered that the stove was not working so I called my landlord and he asked me if I had ever turned on the gas.  He laughed and laughed at my explanation, but not in a friendly way, more like it was in a way you laugh at a guy who steps in poop twice; once because he is not paying attention and then into a second pile while he is still walking forward but looking back to see what the hell he just stepped in.

 

I then made a rash decision:  I always eat out, so what the hell do I need to turn on the gas for.  Do I really need to have another bill so that I can run the stove?  Fuck that.

 

...

 

...

 

This morning, I really want scrambled eggs.

Check out my friend Rob

One of my friends, a comic named Rob Paravonia, started making an oline show about being a comedian.  Check it out if.  It's cool. 

 

http://www.lifeasacomic.com/

The Bad Side of Being a Good Samaritan

Last night I was hanging out with a friend of mine who got stumbling drunk.

 

I stuck around to make sure that my friend was okay and then I realized something.  When you are a guy with a stumbling drunk woman on your arm, people begin to question your motives.  I was walking, but mostly dragging this woman toward to exit of this bar and then some random guy came up to me.

 

Rrandom Guy:

Het dude.  What are you doing with that girl?  Are you her boyfriend?

 

Me:

No.  I'm making sure she gets home.

 

RG:

I don't know man... maybe I should take her home.

 

At first I though that I must look suspicious or something, but then I thought, Wait, why should I let this guy walk away with my stumbling drunk friend?  What if he was a rapist or somethin?

 

Me:

I think we'll be fine.

 

RG:

I'm not going to let you take her!  Give her to me!

 

Me:

What if you rape her?

 

RG:

What if YOU rape her?

 

Me:

I won't!

 

RG:

Neither will I!

 

And so on.. and so on...

This is Sally

I feel like a douche for hiring a part time assistant but it had to be done.

Sally got caught up in the craziness of it all.

After School Special

 

I did a show called the after school special at pete's candy store in Williamsburg.  FUN!

 

My friend Baron was there...

 

My friend Liz was there....

 

My friend Sally was there...

 

My new friend Jen was there...

 

My friend Eric was there...

 

And so was Sean.

 

Just kidding Sean is my friend too.

 

Yay!

 

Happy Happy!

 

 

Worst dialogue ever

Some of you know that I am working as the head writer and voice director for a new comedy video game.  In that vein, here is a link to some of the worst recorded videogame dialogue of all time... 

 

I have nothing to do with it.

 

http://audioatrocities.com/

Boo

I had to come in on saturday and do voice over work.

:-(

Grandma's candy Box

Tonight I did a show that was run by my ex girlfriend and one of her best friends.  Although it had all the makings for a disaster it turned out to be a pretty fun show.

 

One of the other comics didn;t show up and on top of that many of the comics that were there had sets that were iffy at best.

 

On my way onto the stage the DJ started playing another one bites the dust.  I  asked him if that meant he had an opinion on how the show was going so far.

 

A newer joke that I had went over extremely well.  I have to start putting more of my sets online.

Reading

Today I read some of my writing in front of an audience for the first time. I know that I perform a lot but really, I have never sat down and just read my work in front of people.

nervous...

I am so tired I could sleep on the back of godzilla.

--

Mobile Email from a Cingular Wireless Customer http://www.cingular.com

50 questions a friend sent me...

1. What time did you get up this morning? 10 am
2. Diamonds or Pearls? Pearls, but not the kind you find in oysters, I refer to the kind that land on a lady's neck.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Fun with Dick and Jane, or a as I like to call it, I am a Dick for paying for
this...
4. What is your favorite TV show? 24, are you serious? There are no other shows.
5. What did you have for breakfast? Nothing... I need to get married
6. What's your middle name? Curtis, Incidentally my Father's name is Curtis, my older brother's middle name is Curtis and I have a
younger brother named Curtis.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? I like potatoes.
8. What foods do you dislike? things with strange textures.
9. Your favorite Potato chip? Kettle Blue Chips
10. What is your favorite CD at the moment? ??? Saturday Morning, it's a compilation of Saturday morning cartoon themes covered by
different bands.
11. What kind of car do you drive? None. The last car I drove was a sweet rental.
12. Favorite sandwich? PB and J
13. What characteristics do you despise? Cheaters.
14. What are your favorite clothes? I go back and forth, it has been only recently that I enjoyed dressing up.
15. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you
go? Mexico, I know its no big deal, it's just that I have never been.
6. What color is your bathroom? White with blue accents
17. Favorite brand of clothing? I am partial to Banana Republic because I lack imagination.
18. Where would you want to retire to? Montana. what? It's nice.
19. Favorite time of day? afternoon
20. Where were you born? New York City right now, but itching to get back to LA
21. Favorite sport to watch? Sports?
22. Who do you least expect to send this back? I don't care, I don't plan on sending it out to anyone but Corey Burrington and my
blog.
23. Who will be the first to respond? I doubt anyone will, but we'll see.
25. Are you a morning person or night owl? Night owl
26. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with everyone? I am sweating.
27. What did you want to be when you were little? Computer Programmer
28. What is your best childhood memory? Wearing my Grandpa's hat.
29 . What are the different jobs you have had in your life? Computer Programmer, actor and writer are the big ones.
30. Nicknames: Asshole. It's not really a nickname, just something people call me.
31. Number and location of piercing's? None anymore.
32. Eye Color? Hazel
33. Ever been to Africa? No
34. Ever been toilet papering? No, do I live in an eighties movie?
35. Been in a car accident? Yes
36. Favorite day of the week? Your mom.
37. Favorite restaurant? Mo Pitkins right now.
38. Favorite flower? lily.
39. Favorite ice cream? coffee.
40. Favorite fast food restaurant? Never! (Taco Bell Shhhhhhhh.)
41. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Toys R Us
42. Bedtime: Late
43. Who are you most curious about their responses to this
questionnaire? Ugh, who wrote this!
44. Last person you went to dinner with? Itamar Moses
45. What are you listening to right now? The hum of the computer fan
46. What is your favorite color? Blue? I don't know.
47. How many tattoos do you have? none
48. Who was the last e-mail you got before this one? A message from a former student that she wanted to come to my show.
49. How many people are you sending this Email to? I told you that already stupid questionnaire! Don't you listen?!
50. What time did you finish this e-mail? 1:30 am

This is Itamar

I haven't seen Itamar in a long time. We hung out today and I boughtt his book at the bookstore. I considered embarassing him by telling the cashier that it was his book that I was buting but instead I took him to get a hairfut.

Oh my freaking goodness!

I know I complain about being in cabs a lot but right now I am in a cab witha driver that smells exactly like dooky.

The thing about that is, if you smell like dooky you know that you smell like dooky. You never say 'wow now that you mention it I DO smell like dooky.'

when I got in the cab we locked eyes and a silent conversation took plce.

'is that you?'

'unfortunately yes.'

I rolled down the window and even though it was cold, he didn't question me.

Tonight was a weird one, but very good

Tonight I went to a readingseries that was all about erotica. I thought that it would be a bust at first but it proved to be a reallygood show.

The most interesting part of the show for me was the fact that during one of the most arousing portions of the show, I was sitting next to the mother of one of my friends. I dont know a lot about erotica, but I do know that you cant enjoy it when you are sitteng nxt to your friends mother.
Afterwards a woman challenged me to a dance off, but as you know, I cant be beaten.

I cant be beaten...

This is Nathan

Nathan is desperately trying to score with a girl next to me but his velvet purple jacket is really impeding him.

Poker Night

I am so glad that I am doing well financially because I just lost sixty dollars in a poker game.

Most of the other players that took my moneywere gay. The only thing that that means is that they were really good at making fun of me while I lost.

Keith and the Girl

I was just in their show. Check them out on keithandthegirl.com

they are in love.

This is Bob

He is a unique experience.

Weekend Nutshell

Friday:

 

I did two performances on Friday, the first was at the Rob and Mark show.  One of the other comedians was Christian Finnegan, who does a lot of tuff on Best Week Ever.  He's a funny guy but if came down to a fight, I would BEAT - HIS - ASS!  I did a joke about the movie Snake on a Plane and I think I have unwittingly added to the movies popularity.

 

Later that night I did a show at the Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater and ended up performing with MC Chris.  You know they guy who does the theme for the Aqua Teen Hunger Force?  My mother is probably scratching her head right now reading this.  Well mom, I know you know how to use google, you used to work for the government.

 

Saturday

 

I went to see Grandma's Boy and then to do a show at The Pit.  Um...  Grandma's Boy alterbated between being funny and not so funny although my absolute favorite scene I won't describe here so that you can be surprised yourself.  Does that make sense?

 

I went dancing with FRIENDS at bar none after the show.  I like to dance a lot.

 

Sunday:

 

I hosted the first Sundays film festival with Jay Stern and had a great time.  We dress alike when we host the show and it rocks.  Later we had an after party and I danced even though there was no music.

Copyrught

I went out to do a few jokes tonight and two, count em, two people were filiming my set tonight.

I talked to both of them and one of them was nice and one of them was an ass. I was nice to the nice one and an ass to the ass one.

Lookit, I'm an instrument of instant karma.

This is not interesting.

Nothing Too Special

I had to direct a voice over session today with a lady that is one of the new voices on the Barney show.  You know, Barney; the big purple dinosaur.

 

The session was uneventful, but there was a lot of side talking where I said lewd things in a Barney voice.  Stuff like:

 

"Hey kids... let's all gather round so Barney can take a big purple dump on you!"

 

We laughed because we had no souls.*

 

 

 

*Just kidding mom, I have a soul.

Nothing Too Special

I had to direct a voice over session today with a lady that is one of the new voices on the Barney show.  You know, Barney; the big purple dinosaur.

 

The session was uneventful, but there was a lot of side talking where I said lewd things in a Barney voice.  Stuff like:

 

"Hey kids... let's all gather round so Barney can take a big purple dump on you!"

 

We laughed because we had no souls.*

 

 

 

*Just kidding mom, I have a soul.

Happy New Year!

I tried to spend my new year playing video games until the ball dropped, but all of the computers did not have the software to make shit happen.

 

I am more angry that I took a ribbing from people for playing video games for new years and then I never actually did it.   My new year unfolded with me and a couple of friends playing go fish, yes the childhood card game, with strangers at a bar and then counting down.

 

After the new year began, I had to sit alone in a corner so some weird woman didn't come up and try to kiss in the new year with their crazy foreign chapped lips...

 

What am I talking about?