Sunday, December 26, 2004

How to Play Cards

When you are playing cards it would be a bad idea to go up against Keith when he is "all in" on the first hand.  I know that it seems unlikely that he would have four eights, but then again, he might.  If he does have four of a kind then you would quickly find yourself on the sidelines if you don't buy in again.
After you have the spent more of your money buying in again, then you may be able to save face by forcing another player, let's say Todd, to lose all his money and then buy in again.  If you have done it then you are obviously pretty slick, but if not, then Keith has done it and you just barely managed to stay out of the whole thing.  if you can, then you should get the lead on Keith so that you are least get all of your money back and make a few dollars. 
Yes, I actually did that.
When the game starts again with more people.  It would be a bad idea to give Myka ten dollars because she will lose it immediately.  When she does at least she will keep you entertained with funny songs and anecdotes while the game continues.
In the second game, the next person out would probably be Gary.  He would buy in twice more even though it is obvious that he doesn't have the knack to say in the game.  If he lost  his chips three times over in the space of the same thirty minutes then he should probably learn his lesson.  He doesn't though, and we have to force him to stop.  He deals badly for most of the rest of the game.
Andrea would be the next to go out.  She would begin to make bad bets because she really wants to go home.  Her bad bets would prove to be profitable at first because she would get lucky, but ultimately, she would lose.  she doesn't care though, she just likes donating money to the other players.
Sadly, Keith would be the next one out of the game.  His girlfriend, who started out as a relatively sweet person would unfortunately, get taken by the hateful lust of competitive play.  It is as if the horns sprout directly from her head, and her claws outstretched as she took her boyfriends last chip.
So the game would be down to me, and the newly born devil.  She and I would have similar hands, but the truth is, that once her boyfriend is out of the room, she is more susceptible bad decision.  I mean she would actually be making a good one with a flush in her last hand, but a flush with an ace high in your hand would quiet the feeling of hope.
No hope.
In the end, I suppose that you would be the winner.


Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Have you ever been afraidYou willY

I have been afraid, and maybe you should click the above link if you have been too.

Friday, December 17, 2004

So I saw the Aviator

The absolute best part of the Aviator was Kate Blanchet as Katherine Hepburne.  Decapri-who?   I thought that the movie lacked any sort of struggle and that it was impossible to relate to the main character.  Others thought differently.
F those guys thought, cause the movie had a huge hole in it.  I went to see the movie with one of my friends who is about to go back to Kuwait for a month and hang out with his parents.  I asked him if Kuwait was pretty and he said that it was.  I bet it is.
A rat ran through the subway platform today and I was amazed at how big they are getting.  I bought Godzilla, Destroy all monsters for my nephew.  It's a video game hat he will enjoy if he likes monsters at all.
I didn't really have much to say today, but I thought you deserved some attention.


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

I am an optimist.

I realized, after a very long talk, that I may have had every chance growing up to be purely pessimistic at this point in my life.   I find that whenever two black people are in a room and say the room is filled with white people, that the two black people will look across the room and give one another a little nod, as if to say, "Hey, if something crazy goes down and all of these white people regress, I got your back."
When I am in the room and all the other people in the room are white, I may seek out the eye of another black person, but when they see me, it is not always that they recognize, that I am also black.  I could be mad.  I could just be upset that even my own people can't recognize the fact that I am black as well, or maybe I could just be happy that when the shit really hits the fan, that I could be safe hanging out in the whites only bathroom.
If you were paying close attention then you may have noticed, that the truth is in there somewhere, and somewhere else there is a joke.  If you think the joke was that I, and people in general, are very conscious of race when they first meet a person and the real truth is that we are evolving as a society so we only see people and not races at all;  then you're the joke.
You're the joke.
I'm not joking.

Thursday, September 09, 2004


Oh my gosh I love Arizona.
The swimming pools and naked movie stars.  The sun and the houses for rent for just 600 dollars.  What the hell is going on in the rest of the world?
I ate Greek.
I played poker, and I won at cards.  wee!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Here's a tip

If you are ever coming back to your car on a day when the sun is beating down through the window and you see a quarter in the driver's seat; don't pick it up.  The quarter will be red hot and it will burn your fingers.


Friday, July 02, 2004

Thursday, July 01, 2004


12:05 am
Saw Spiderman 2 at the big and bag arclight cinemas.  Me an d my good pal were almost late for the show because the arclight staff pointed us toward the wrong screening room first.  We finally made it to the right screening room and got to sit down and watch one of the best superhero movies I've seen in a while.  The best parts are the fights between Spiderman and Doctor Octopus and the freaking freeze frame in the movie.
I was also told that I was a smooth talker.
10:30 am
Had  plodding and precarious conversation that made me feel like crap, although the whole thing ended on a good note.  I am trying the dating thing again.  I have not seriously sought after someone since I have been in LA.  It feels like learning to rollerblade again and waking up all the old muscles that you don't normally use.
2:00 pm
Got a burrito at Baja Fresh next to a fountain that looks suspiciously like a big metal vagina.
3:00 pm
Took a nap.  Got really hot in my clothes, stripped, took a nap again.
10:45 pm
Headlined at a bar.  I did about 35 to forty minutes of comedy before I stepped off of the stage.  I made a little money and all but that wasn't the fun part.
At the beginning of the show there was a comic who does a bit about the Siamese twins that were joined at the head.  He does a funny joke about it that I always laugh at, but oddly enough there was a guy there, at the show that had a child that was disabled due to a botched Siamese separation exercise.
Go figure.


Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Fahrenheit 9/11

I saw it!
I saw Fahrenheit today and I was happy and sad.
I was happy because I got a chance to see marvelous film that really shows America at its best and worst.  America at its worst because of all the questionable things that went on for many years, and at its best because there are many places in the world where a film as slanted against the existing government would not see the light of day.
I have a real problem with a film that id modeled after the documentary format that spoon feeds you emotion, but I appreciate the fact that this movie is definitely going to see a much larger and more diverse audience than would have ever seen this type of film in the past.  There are going to be quite a few people that will look at the entire 9.11 experience in a whole new way.
After the movie I kissed someone.
I guess all the death is a turn on for some chicks.*
*This was a joke.


Thursday, June 24, 2004

Bowl to the beat yo!

I just went bowling! 
I love to bowl, especially since I just got a few free lessons when I was working on a film that is based around me bowling.  Yeah, I will post it later, but the real treat is that I have learned to bowl better than I have ever bowled in my life!
I went bowling with a friend and it was an experience unlike any other time I have ever been out bowling.  The alley that we went to blared loud hip hop music while we were bowling.  Not only did it energize us while we were bowling, it allowed us to bowl and then dance for a bit while we were waiting for our ball to come back in the return.
Of all the songs that I heard while we were bowling, the best song to dance to while the ball was on its way back was "Sex Machine" by James Brown.
Try it, unless you are lame.

Monday, June 21, 2004

Bonnie McFarlane

I think she's funny.  There were other funny people on Last Comic Standing, but not other people that everyone calls a bitch.
I'm just throwing support her way, not that it helps.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

Last Comic Standing

Yeah, I saw last comic standing last night and I felt good and bad.
A lot of the comics who had made it to the final round were friends of mine.  There were quite a few comics who did well and then didn't get to be in the house and apparently there was a bit of an upset because of that.  Truth is, the people that did get into the house were not necessarily the comics that I would have chosen, but ultimately, that doesn't matter at all because I am not in charge.  From the show it kind of looks like Dan Natterman really got the short end of the stick.  That guy is funny!  By the way, if you ever want to insult a comic to their face then tell them that they are funny, but when you say funny make funny sound like "phony" as if you were saying it ebonically.
I declined to even audition for Last Comic Standing this year because I thought that it would be silly to wait in a long line. 
Now I wish I had.


Wednesday, June 09, 2004

The good and bad

I hopt the blog thing doesn't bunch all of this up. I have been trying a
new thing where I can send my posts to an email address and then they are
all posted on my blog automatically. Unfortunately, it seems to either put
line breaks where I don't want them or to make the entire post one
paragraph. What the?

One of my friends just brought the girl of his dreams back home. Me next

I had one of the best shows that I think that I have ever had in a while
tonight, so I think that it is fitting that I remind you all of the worst
show that has ever graced the television.

I think this show was on for like a week before it got cancelled.


Plot Summary for
"Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer, The"
Desmond Pfeiffer (the P is pronounced) was a black British gentleman who was
run out of England after being accused of cheating at cards. He takes a job
as butler to a perpetually horny Abraham Lincoln in the White House during
the Civil War.

1. A.O.L.: Abe On-Line
gs: Teresa Barnwell (Hillary Clinton) Christian J. Meoli (Telegraph
Operator) Terry Kiser () Len Lesser ()

Lincoln engages in "telegraph sex" with a woman he's never seen.

b: 05-Oct-1998 pc: 40227-002 w: Jim Gerkin d: Matthew Diamond


2. Up, Up and Away
gs: Stephen Tobolowsky (Early) Curtis Armstrong (Forrest)

Desmond, Nibblet and the President wind up trapped behind enemy lines after
a freak accident with an observation balloon, and President Lincoln must
dress in drag to escape Southern territory. Meanwhile, General Grant tries

b: 12-Oct-1998 pc: 40227-003 w: Marc Abrams and Michael Benson


3. Saving Mr. Lincoln
gs: Wendy Worthington (Queen Victoria) Roland Kickinger (Lars)

When Lincoln falls ill before a meeting with Queen Victoria, Mary Todd
decides to hire a body double to impersonate the president. Little does the
body double know that she's got another use in mind for him.

b: 19-Oct-1998 pc: 40227-004 w: Brian Pollack & Mert Rich d: Matthew Diamond


4. Once Upon a Mistress
gs: Jack Salvatore, Jr. (Young Abe Lincoln)

When foreign dignitaries bring their mistresses to visit, President Lincoln
finds temptation in a gift from a foreign dignitary. Meanwhile, Nibblet
concocts a tonic for Mary's migraines.

b: 26-Oct-1998 pc: 40227-007 w: Brian Boulware d: Matthew Diamond


5. Pilot

After managing to get himself hired as President Lincoln's butler, Desmond
Pfeiffer schemes to return to his native England.

b: UNAIRED pc: 40227-001

NOTE: Scheduled to air on October 5, 1998. African-American groups (most of
whom didn't even bother to watch the series) complained 'till the cows came
home, and UPN--after recutting it more than once--shelved it.


6. Pigeon English

b: UNAIRED pc: 40227-005


7. Kidnapped
gs: Beverly Leech (Mrs. Robert E. Lee) Glenn Shadix (Robert E. Lee) Rue
McClanahan (Lucille)

When Confederate soldiers kidnap Mrs. Lincoln, Grant retaliates by
kidnapping Robert E. Lee's wife.

b: UNAIRED pc: 40227-006 w: Ron Nelson and Mark Steen d: Matthew Diamond

NOTE: Chi went on the Roseanne talk show and stated that he could care less
what people thought of the show and he refused to meet with the people that
wanted the show cancelled. The next day the series was cancelled.
originally scheduled to air on 2 Nov 1998


8. School Daze
gs: Ezra Buzzington (George Axelrod)

b: UNAIRED pc: 40227-008 d: Matthew Diamond

NOTE: Guest star Ezra Buzzington's website has some interesting
behind-the-scenes details on this episode.


9. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner

b: UNAIRED pc: 40227-009

-- scary cute

Tuesday, June 08, 2004


Where are you?

I had a good day

You may or may not know that I feel kind of lax in my ability to make new
friends in LA since I have been here. I have tried, but for the most part I
have been constantly bombarded with people who are not quite complete. When
I say complete, I mean that they don't seem to have full command of their
faculties. For me, that is a deal breaker.

I hung out today with a friend of mine whose company I enjoy a whole lot.
If it were up to me that would be my job.

How can I make that happen?

Thursday, June 03, 2004

It's a different world.


I am working very hard right now on my writing in a way that I never have.
I actually feel exhilarated when I am at the keyboard of my computer.

I am about to do something pretty cool to my blog, I think I will invite my
entire family to post.

Just in case

You thought that I was not going to share the goods with you, I am going to
the premiere of CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK tonight and I hope to have a great
time as I love sci-fi movies.

Monday, April 05, 2004

Hi Son,

I was doing biting commentary? I was just making an observation! I think you'll be better off continuing to write your own jokes. However, I'm sure the other family members and I will still be good inspiration from time to time.

When are you going to reveal more news about yourself? Of course I'm curious, but it seems that your fans are really waiting.

Monday, March 29, 2004

Hi mom!

I understand what you are saying about the TV land awards. You are actually making biting commentary on the stars of yesterday. It's almost like you are writing comedy. I may ask you to write some jokes for me in the future.

Right now I am sitting in my room with a woman who is strumming my guitar badly and singing nicely. NO nothing is going on. I did a lot of Karaoke tonight. I sang "welcome to the jungle", "That's the way I like it" by KC and the sunshine band. I remember playing their 8 track tape . That must have been when I was a fetus.

Tomorrow I have a lot more work to do on a script for this company.



Friday, March 19, 2004

Hi Son. Sounds like your Aspen trip is one of your best experiences so far this year. I enjoyed hearing about the other celebs you ran into.

Now for my excitement: I watched the TV Land Awards this week!

Apparently, once you've been on a long-running tv series you can come on the tv awards show and perform and be really good or not so good - It just doesn't seem to matter as long as the audience gets to see you again!

Wednesday, March 10, 2004

ASPEN in a nutshell.

Flew on the plane with Jack Black. He was not
into being talked to so I didn't.

Arrived on Tuesday and performed for 700 people in
the ballroom. WONDERFUL SHOW.

I ate a lot of food as my hotel had free
breakfast, free lunch, free beer and
wine every afternoon, and free long distance.
What? I want to move to this place.

Day two, wednesday i went to see a bunch of shows
and performed that night. GREAT SET, but not as
crazy as day one. Met lots of industry people and
had fun. Went out to a bar with people from
comedy central and met a guy who got gayer the
more that he drank.

Wednesday, another set, I also got dissed by Chris
Rock. I think he may have never even considered a
black albino, cause he was not into saying hello.
Hung w' Paully shore. Not bad time, he was nice
to me. Did a set and it was also GOOD, but not
crazy fantastic. I may be being hard on myself
because I got tons of attention after this set.

I had no set on Thursday but they added me to a
show at the Wheeler Opera House where I open for
Louis CK and Joe Rogan. Lots of industry and
maybe 2000 people there. Again WONDERFUL SET!
This show generated the most
"business" fro me. I may get into the details
later. Louis told me he loved some of my jokes
which made me melt because I love him.

Friday I meet Robert Schimmel and my set is
MEDIOCRE. People still seem to like it, but I am
not so happy. Anyway, whatever, I spent the night
kicking myself for not making the most of every
moment at the festival. This was also the night
that they were judging so not the best move for me.

Saturday, I have a kick ass set again and I manage
to make a guy laugh so hard that he threw up his
hands and hit his girlfriend in the face. I am
going to go for that from now on. I had such a
blast at the festival. At The after party, I was
stalked by a rich woman that looked like a monster.
Yeah, i sang in the choir so what? I had an extremely hogh voice and I could sing green sleeves like nobody's business.


Thursday, March 04, 2004

Ha!! Evidently Victor is away performing and I've been left "home alone" with the blog and trusted to do whatever I please.

Hello Victor's audience. Did you know that as a boy Victor, along with his brother and sister, sang in the Children's Choir. That's right - a former choir boy. I know he's immensely successful but I thought he was going to seminary.

Monday, March 01, 2004

Son, I never get tired of talking to you or writing to you. It's just that to read your responses I have to tread through material that often leaves me a little red-faced. Yes I'm prudish. Perhaps we should go back to communicating away from this blog?

I watched some of the awards last night and I could imagine your being there. I recalled your red carpet experience and it seemed that was definitely your place to be.

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Gee mom, looks like you are a little tired of writing your son already.

Last night I had a party.

The cops came at 2 am but the party continued until 5.

These are a few of the things that youy could have seen at my party.

- A woman who looked like a trans-vestite.
- Three men whose combined weight may have been over 1000 lbs
- Somone trying to pick up a girl by sticking one of my collectible toys in a womans drink.
- a woman looking at a toy toting guy like he was crazy.
- part of the cast of Mr. Show.
- Me
- someone actually trying to use karate for real
- someone peeing in my neighbors yard.
-VERY saggy boobies
- and a partridge in a pair tree.

Saturday, February 28, 2004

Dear Son, Glad to hear the Aspen trip is still on.

Thursday, February 26, 2004

I AM still doing aspen. I have been shopping for gloves but unfortunately many of the stores out here don't carry gloves in what they call the "off season". I will go looking again today in the hopes of protecting my hands from the bitter cold of the colorado mountains.

Last night I went and say "The Dreamers". This film is a tender love story and a celebration of the cinema with many close-ups of penisses and vaginas. I unserstood why they were in the film and I enjoyed the movie immensely. The only thing tha bygged me was that I was hanging out with my friend Jeannie for the first time and giant genitals tend to push you into a different realm of comfort when you are at the movies.

My mom reads this...
Good Morning Son! I'm glad I figured out how to post too (with your helpful instructions).

How flattering of you to say you date women with some of my traits. Evidently you want to end up with someone who will always be spending your money on what she believes are entirely worthy causes.

Am I dating anyone? Son, you know I basically don't date much but I will say that there's been more activity in the last few months than in the two years prior. Phone me if you must know more.

Are you still doing Aspen? If you're still going be sure to dress warmly and be careful on the slopes. Blessings!

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Hi Mom!

I'm so glad you figured out how to pos on my BLOG!

I know that you sometimes have to trouble with technical things growing up in the country and all. I am proud of you.

I know that some people might think that I a m a mama's boy, but you and I will just have to prove them wrong, er if that's okay with you mom.

I realized recently that you are definitely the archetype for the woman that I will fal for. I have only dated women that have huge hearts and care about the world around them.

U have sated, a midwife, a nurse, a non profit executive, and two clowns. I think my record speaks for itself. Are you dating anyone?
Victor, I love your dearly, but has it occurred to you that inviting your mother to post here might cause some people to think that you're a Mama's Boy?

Monday, February 23, 2004

One of my best friends has a new boyfriend and I am dying to meet him. Every time I try and run into them, i seem to miss them however.

Tonight I did a little Karaoke and went dancing, Fun!

Sunday, February 22, 2004

Tonight I went to a party where everyone there was quietly sitting. I left within twenty minutes. I guess that makes me immature.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004

Today, as a joke, I licked a woman's face. Of course it was during a comedy show, really, that's what comedyis all about.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

Oh, dear. I seem to be awake at odd hours again. I am eating chips and I don't like them at all.


Sunday, January 11, 2004

Last night my car got towed for the first time.

I do not particulaly like having my car towed, but it did give me the time to have a bonding ride around town with my roommate.

We got to the towing company at about 2:30 in the morning. The place was filled with club kids and badasses. There were at least three women crammed up in the spot who had their boobies hanging out. Boobies look great in a club, but when you are in a towing office they tend to look rather silly. I son't know if the towing officer can take anyone seriously when their cleavage is hitting the window of his little booth long befor their brreath is.

Mack, my roomate and I managed to keep our coll even when the tow clerk decided to give me a lecture about car ownership and responsibility. You don't get the chance to say anything back to these guys like, "You're no my dad." or "Shut up, you're not my dad."

When my car was finally in my hot little hands again I also did nothing, because I am nice.