Party

My party turned out to be more of a hook up spot than I knew at the time.  Everyone seemed to get some attention... and MORE! Oh snap!  I said it!!!!

Girls like me

I get a lot of email from women that really like me... and they want me to check out their webcams.

Note to self...

Next time you throw a party, make sure you put out food that people can consume completely.  Chicken wings leave chicken bones.  :(

Come on Delta!

Hold me in security at the airposrt so long that I miss my flight and then try to charge me more money to rectify it!

 

Delta can eat it!

SANTA CLAUS!!

I hired a Santa Claus for my Christmas party!   He will be there for pictures and he'll give out free shots of the tequila I brought back from Mexico!

 

Yay!

Animated Video for Game

Remember that game that I am doing for Sony? Here's a promo video for it.

I wrote and directed a lot of this.... I am the voice of the fat guy, the black guy, and a lot of the roaches. Enjoy.




Now, you may be saying to yourself"What is that all about?"

It might help if you read this interview from with me from IGN right here.

This is dumb

This is my favorite joke to tell kids.

 

Two cowas were grazing in a field when the farmer next to them has a heart attack and dies.

 

The first looks a t the second cow and says, "Oh no, who's going to feed us?"

 

The second cow says, "Oh my god! A talking cow!"

 

 

MTV, SONY and me.

Sony just announced my involvement with their new comedy video game. I do
voices and I direct a lot of the acting.

There's an interview about it at MTV.com

http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1575219/20071128/index.jhtml

_______________________________________________________________

New Orleans, Day 1

I'm in New Orleans and I'm having the best time putting as much ridiculous
food into my mouth as I possibly can. I have never really explored this
city and just to let you know, it rocks beyond belief. Just had lunch at
the Clover Grill. Mmm MMM biscuits and gravy.

--------------------------------------------------------------------
mail2web.com – Enhanced email for the mobile individual based on Microsoft®
Exchange - http://link.mail2web.com/Personal/EnhancedEmail

Ugh

I just brushed my teeth and then immediately drank coffee!  Ugh!  Next I think I'll catch my junk in my zipper and then immediately jump into a vat of Epson salt.

Dear DQA

Dear Drag Queen Association,

 

I would like to officially lodge a complaint.  I abhor the type of drag queen that tricks you for a second.  The type of drag queen that at first glance looks like a woman.  The type of drag queen that makes your mind go "... legs, ooh, miniskirt... tall... big hands... Ugh... MAN!"

 

I much prefer the type of drag queen that looks  more like a clown from a Fellini movie.  Just makeup and feathers everywhere.

 

Signed,

Shortchanged Labido

Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving everyone

I am in Minnesota relaxing and waiting for my nieces and nephews to
show up. I wanna squeeze em!

Sent from my iPhononograph

Standup with Tom Shilue!

Come check out a great after thanksgiving show if you are not too wrapped up in trying to suck your momma's toes.

FRI - NOV 23 - 8 pm
at The Pit Theater NYC
http://www.thepit-nyc.com/

A CORNUCOPIA OF COMEDY!

TOM SHILLUE, BARON VAUGHN, DAN AHDOOT, TAREN STERRY, LIVIA SCOTT, VICTOR VARNADO, and ELON JAMES WHITE will knock your socks off with an hour of insanely hysterical stand-up.

Crunch Time

I need voice over actors and I need them bad.  We have so many lines to record today and not oenough people for me to direct.  How does this happen in a world where everyone wants to act.  The unfortunate side of this is that many people think they can do voice over and cant act a lick.  A lot of the time people come in with a long acting resume and try to jump on voice over and then they suck more than an anteater.  That's a lot of suck.

Bachelor Party

I went to one of my friends' bachelor party last night.

 

Can I ask you some thing.  Do all bachelor parties start out chummy, like a haooy jaunt and then end up with people staring awkwardly acoss the room or at the floor with lamenting an innocence that has ecape3d them?

Uh oh

Last time me and my friend Jason taped ourselves sparring he felt that he was under represented in the final video.  He just told me that he wants to make some sort of inroads and asked to make sure I had someone present to video tape us.

 

He's gonna try and kick my ass!

Halloween Aftershock

Lat night one of my friends leaned over to me and asked if she and I had made out on Halloween.  We had and I told her so.  Everyone was happy and drunk at a big party and then she and I and some other woman went to kissing one another.

 

My friend was a little suprised at what had happened.  I was suprised at the time but by now I had learned to live with it.  But let's be honest, it is a little weird when you have made out with a friend.

 

There is an upside though.  Once you've made out with a friend you can hold it over their head and force them to buy you free gifts and candy.

Into The Wild

What a crazy movie.  I mean , yes, it was uplifting and depressing all at the same time, but then again, it was batshit.  I would love to hear other peoples thoughts on the film.  It almost seemed like the travels of a modern day saint.  It could also be interpreted as a moral tale about what happens to yo9u if you shun your parents. 

 

By the way, during the film I had caramel corn and a water.

 

See you at Comix tonight if you are coming.

I want a puppy!

I really do!  The only reason that I haven't gottena dog is that I travel a lot and I live in New York which seems likt the wrong place to have a dog.

 

There is a pet store next door to my apartment and I walk by there and longingly look at all of the puppies at least three times a week.  I'm a Puppi-phile.  I can admit that.

NYC SHOWS - This week

Hi all, I'm back from Mexico and Spokane.  Two very different places with mortal enemies at each end... Cowboys and Mexicans.  Come to think of it, Cowboys are the natural enemy of the Chinese, as well as Native Americans.  Ease up cowboys.

 

You can read more about those adventures at http://victorvarnado.blogspot.com

 

Anyhow, everyone is always asking when the next standup show will be...

 

SHOWS THIS WEEK

WED NOV 14 - 8 pm
SHADES OF BLACK

at Comix
353 West 14th Street NY, NY

www.comixny.com

Featuring the comedy stylings of Michelle Buteau, Baron Vaughn, Elon James White, Jordan Carlos and Victor Varnado!

 

THURS NOV 15 - 8 pm

BRAINYAXE

At the Bowery Poetry Club
308 Bowery NY, NY

www.brainyaxe.xom

Come and get it hot!

 

Heat

I got home from my trip to my expensive Brooklyn apartment and the heat wasn't working... again.  Seriously, if I have to pay a lot just to come home and sleep in my coat again I swear to everything that I will throw a cold hrdened leather show at my landlord's head the nex time I see him and scream, "You made this!"

Spokane Day 1

I got in last night and was unable to convince anyone to share the mexican tequila I brought with me from mexico.  Here in Spokane, all the waitresses are chipper and many of the men are cowboys.  I don't know why, it's just the way it is.

 

No prometo ningun.

Mexico Cuty Day 5

Yesterday was the hardest day and the last day of the shoot.  You'd think it would be the easiest day since the scene took place in a whorehouse and I spent most of the time surrounded by scantily clad women.  There were a mix of extras playing whores and actual whores playing whores.  I couldn't tell them apart so I just chose to be afaid of everyone.  There was a point when I found out which wer which becuse a kindly looking grey haired old man ahowed up that turned out to be the pimp of some of the whores.  The "whores"  that ran away from the pimp and hid on the other side of the room were obviously the fak whores... or wer they real whores that still owed him money.

 

Today I fly to Spokane Washington to perform in front of a bunch of college booking agents.  Time to show my wares!

 

 

Mexico City Day 1

 

Well I'm down in Mexico City to shoot the last leg of  "Contact High"  the movie where I play God.  It has been so much fun in every country that I've been in and Michael, the director, assures me that México City will be the most entertaining place of all.

 

Just before I left New York, one of my friends told me a story about someone who was driving in Mexico City and then someone else just hopped in the car and killed him.  This didn't sit too well with me because I often hate being killed.  I walked with Michael to check out the first set that we were going to be shooting on, which is a hotel that currently operates as a flop house and I had a chance to meet the owner of the place who gave me what would have been a toothy grin if only he had any of his front teeth.  He had plenty of molars though.

 

As soon as Michael and I were out of earshot of the owner, Michael told me this story.  "You know that guy we just met?   When I asked him if it was going to be safe to shoot in his hotel he whipped out a gun and shot three time down the alley and then patted me on the shoulder and said, 'You'll be safe with me.'"

 

I looked down the alley.  There were buildings and the doors to some people's apartments down there.

 

I really want to go out tonight nut I may just stay in my hotel to make sure that I survive the trip.  I can explore in the daytime…

Mexico City Day 2

 

Mexico City is dirtier and bigger than New York.  That's not a probelem but there is a nother major difference.  Mexico City is 200 meters above sea level.  One of my old friends came to visit me since we are so high up, his name is nosebleeds.  Man is it dry here. 

 

I remeber when I was little and I had moved and I started to get nosebleeds with the climate change.  My family took me to a doctor at one point and he took me aside and asked me if I was snorting coke.  I was like 12.  Seriously, Doc?  How many 12 year olds who grew up poor do you know that have the access and the money for coke?

 

What a bad doctor  Costume rehearsal in the hotel in two hours....

Mexico City Day 4

Well, yesterday i finally had the chance to eat in a really weird little hole in the wall mexican resturant.  One of the most outstanding features of the restaurant is that the waiter was 9 years old.  The name family restaurant has never been more defined for me than yesterday.

 

I had some kind of meat, and the producers told me to stay away from the salad because I might die.  Wel , not die, but get sick.  The also forbode me from getting any food from the food carts that are every street because, even ooked, th efod there is almost sure to make me poop my pants.

 

When I was young and I pooped my pants, I remeber it feeling good.

Mexico Day 3

Yesterday I hired an interpreter in order to nail the dialect on some of the lines I had to speak in spanish.  She was a young law student that ended p showing me around the city after th emajor part of our work was done.

 

Mexico city is a city of extremes.  Opulance and poverty bt that shouldn't be a suprise since mos large cities have al of that.  One thing Mexico cit has that many cities f it's caliber do not have is real tequila.

 

Ah, Tequila my new friend.  I never knew you could taste so sweet and punch so hard.  The rst of the night just kept getting more and more fun.  Thans you Mexico City. 

 

Today is my first day of actual shooting in Mexico.  It is not so early, but my eyes are burning and my head hurts.  Tequila can be a real jerk.

Self Portrait (start)

This is the beginning of a self portrait. Click on him so he dances

Dog the Bounty Hunter

Suprised?

 

I'm not.  Of course he's racist. 

 

He dresses like a professional wrestler when that's not his job. OR COURSE HE'S RACIST!

 

He's got a mullet and it's the 21st century.  Of course he's racist.

 

His name is Dog.  Nuff said.

Happy day after Halloween

I was a gentlemen Stranger. If you know what that is... NERD!

Grown Men - No Supervision

Maybe U shouldn't have done it, but it sure was fun.

Mexico City Day 2

Mexico City is dirtier and bigger than New York.  That's not a probelem but there is a nother major difference.  Mexico City is 200 meters above sea level.  One of my old friends came to visit me since we are so high up, his name is nosebleeds.  Man is it dry here. 

 

I remeber when I was little and I had moved and I started to get nosebleeds with the climate change.  My family took me to a doctor at one point and he took me aside and asked me if I was snorting coke.  I was like 12.  Seriously, Doc?  How many 12 year olds who grew up poor do you know that have the access and the money for coke?

 

What a bad doctor  Costume rehearsal in the hotel in two hours....

Robot

I love robots. this is based on a character from the scud comics.

Click on him to watch him move

Mexico City Day 1

Well I'm down in Mexico City to shoot the last leg of  "Contact High"  the movie where I play God.  It has been so much fun in every country that I've been in and Michael, the director, assures me that México City will be the most entertaining place of all.

 

Just before I left New York, one of my friends told me a story about someone who was driving in Mexico City and then someone else just hopped in the car and killed him.  This didn't sit too well with me because I often hate being killed.  I walked with Michael to check out the first set that we were going to be shooting on, which is a hotel that currently operates as a flop house and I had a chance to meet the owner of the place who gave me what would have been a toothy grin if only he had any of his front teeth.  He had plenty of molars though.

 

As soon as Michael and I were out of earshot of the owner, Michael told me this story.  "You know that guy we just met?   When I asked him if it was going to be safe to shoot in his hotel he whipped out a gun and shot three time down the alley and then patted me on the shoulder and said, 'You'll be safe with me.'"

 

I looked down the alley.  There were buildings and the doors to some people's apartments down there.

 

I really want to go out tonight nut I may just stay in my hotel to make sure that I survive the trip.  I can explore in the daytime…

087 Bar

Met the owners of the 507 bar which is run by the engaged Syd and What's-her-face.  There was a comedy show there for five real audience member and about 8 people watching the game.  You were unlucky if, during your set, there was a big play in the game because then the cheering of the considerably laeger amount tof the people wayching the game would drown you out and and distract the "audience" that was there.

 

Ah, comedy at the middle of the industry.

Remember Ebonics?

Remember when they had tried to push Ebonics as a recognized language?  What if that had gone through?  You would have had people in many different occupations using thick urban slang by now.

 

DOCTOR:  You got an acute mitosis, son!  Your shit is fucked up!

 

PILOT:  Aw yeah!  Weeze flying bitches!

 

LAWYER:  If the glove did not fit.  You must acquit!

 

I wish I'd thought of this joke during the OJ trial.  :(

 

________________

www.bestalbino.com - word

New relationship term

landmine (n)

A man or woman that reveals many potential detramental personality flaws during a first date. 

EXAMPLE:  She  told me that she had cut two of her last boyfriends and that she cried while reading the paper every morning.  What a landmine.

Fat Woman farting and pooping

Check it out. I made it!

Thirty Days

I gotta go see this vampire movie right now!!!!!  My noprmal movie buddy is not around so I have to go!  I am gonna burst if I don't.  I should wait, but I just can't.  Vampires!  Wheee!

Elevator

Sometime when I am in an elevator with a lot of people, I will get an embarrassed expression and in a little child's voice I will say, "Uh oh... I've got the farties!"

 

No one has ever laughed who was not part of my immediate party.

Just a reminder

I'm the best at everything.

I can rap, dance and sing.

I can turn lead into gold,

And bend it into a ring.

 

I can fly!  Without a plane.

At supersonic speeds.

I'm the world's best doctor.

Give all my patiends weed.

 

I trained 007, and Batman, and the pope.

Birds land on my windowsill just cause they think I'm dope.

 

Important question

What happens when a zombie bites a vampire?

NYC Tonight

Hey Everyone!

If you are in NYC tonight, then here is an excellent show to come see.  I will be there performing as well randomly attacking patrons.

 

________________

 

Monday, October 15th
TELL YOUR FRIENDS!
at the Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., corner of Allen
8:00pm - $5.00

HOST: Liam McEneaney - from VH1 and Comedy Central

WITH:

Victor Varnado

from Heaven itself.  He has appeared on Conan O'Brien and My Name Is Earl, but mainly he is here to smite the wicked.

Todd Levin
from Comedy Central's Premium Blend and the late Aspen Comedy Festical, and has had his writings appear in The Onion, Modern Humourist, and of course, Glamour.

Kumail Nanjiani
has just landed from Chicago, where he's made quite a name for himself in the comedy scene there

Josh Comers
is one of NYC's last undiscovered comedy treasures

Keith Farnan
from Dublin, making his return from the Boston Comedy Festival

and of course, our house band, A Brief View of the Hudson

Insult help - EXPLICIT

I think that it's weird when you are in a verbal argument and someone tries to insult you by saying something like "Suck My Dick"  Really?  Why does my punishment have to bring you pleasure?  Also, why so passive?  Why do I have to actively suck your dick?  Is it because you don't want to sound gay when you say, "Let me fuck your mouth!"

 

What about "Go fuck yourself"?  Go fuck myself?  Do you mean masturbate?  I do that all the time.

 

I don't think I have even one brain cell working today.

Boston Comedy Festival LOSER! " Karaoke tonight?

Hey everyone!  I lost the Boston Comedy fest finals.

 

In fact I did what I wanted to do at the festival.  I wanted to get out there and get more well known and I wanted to make it to the finals.  Mission accomplished on both of those.

 

During the preliminary and the semifinal rounds I was almost unstoppable.  During the finals however, there was quite the shift in the attending audience age.  I got laughs from the younger people, but the older more conservative part of the crowd would almost gasp in horror at some of the subject matter I shose.  It's kind of interesting to be able to please and horrify sections of the audience at the same time.

 

Myq Kaplan was my pick to win, he came in second.  Tommy Savitt, who was nowhere on my radar won.   Check out his website and make your own decision.  He's very good at what he does and a long time pro.

 

KARAOKE TONIGHT NYC?

 

I am back in town so I will be hanging out with the live karaoke band at Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction on Ave A between 2 and 3 tonight from 9 pm to midnight.

 

Come on.  let's sing Karaoke, have a drink and a snuggle.

 

________________

www.bestalbino.com - word

Hi Lewis Black

At the Boston Festival after party last night, I tried to say hello to Lewis Black like a hundred times.  He was always flitiing in and out of other conversations and never stopped for a moment.  I wish I could have seen his show but I wanted to watch the rest of the semi finals and check out the other comics that were going to be in the finals. 

 

This is it I guess.  From thousands of tapes and then 94 entrants in the preliminaries, it's now down to eight comics that will compete for the top position.  I believe there is only first place and a runner-up.  My money is on either Myq Kaplan, Robert Mac, or me.  I hope it's me.

 

Is Lewis Black too old to flit?

Boston Comedy Finals

If you are in Boston then come to the Boston Comedy Festival finals.  I made it all the way and strangely enough, I had no idea that it was  big deal. 

 

The final show is at:

 

The Majestic Theater in Boston

Saturday 8:00 pm

TICKETS: http://www.maj.org/P2008/bcf_contest.html

 

__________________________________

 

 

My picks for the contests are Hannibal and Myq Kaplan.  You can find out more about them on the festival website or by Google.  Both of them are smart and very funny.  I don't think that I would be unhappy to lose to either of them.   Bear in mind that there are many comics in the festival that I haven't seen and are freaking hilarious so there may very well be plenty of people that I would not be unhappy to lose to.

 

( I hope I win.)

 

altruism is for sissies.

 

 

 

 

Back to Boston

I am on my way back to Boston for the second leg of the Boston Comedy competition and I am traveling on the exquisite Limo Liner bus.  It's like being in first class, but on a bus.  There is even a stwardess who tries to look elegant as she bounces down the aisle.

 

It has wi-fi and outlets at every seat. YAY!

 

OOps.  I had my iphone plugged in and recharging in my pocket.  It warmed up and melted the chocolate bar that I had there.  Ewww.  Chocolate covered iphone!

Poor Britney

Britney Spears should be ashamed of losing her kids.  How ashamed should she be of losing her kids?

 

Michael Jackson still has his kids.

Time to call my mom

I always wait until my mother calls me and then I fee guilty.  I have to call her first because it's been almost two weeks since I've talked to her.  I want to be a good sone and this is my big chance.

 

I should probably be calling her instead of typing this.

Boston Comedy Fest Day - 1

The first day of the Bostone comedy festival I traveled up to boston on the Lucky Star line out of Chinatown at about 11 am. We had one pit-stop at a grocery store where I bought enormos amounts of String cheese.

When I got to the festival, there was a guy who handed out flyers that listed everyone there so that they could make a ppol as to who was going to win the contest as part of the fest. Basicaqlly it was a sheet with every participant listed and a number by their name showing whether or not they were favorites fior the preliminary rounds. I was favored, but many people I knew were not. Kind of daunting.

When the contest finally took place, I ended up "winning". It's not really a win yet. I basically move on to the next round. Thursday is the semi finals andsaturday is the finals. I am going back ti NYC in the morning and will be back in boston by Thursday.

If anyone is around, look me up. SOX!!!!!!!!

P. S. I know nothing about sports. One of my friends told me to put that there.

You Don't hav a Cell Phone

If you don’t have a cell phone at this point in your life then you are actively fighting civilization. It’s not like you don’t have an ipod. An ipod is a quickly growing trend that may very well become the mainstream way of listening to and cataloguing your music, but its not quite there yet. A cell phone is now completely part of how we communicate. If you are holding out, then please stop being a pussy about it. Stop using; land phones as well. Switch back to the telegraph. What the hell are you doing reading this on the internet?

Some people have said to me that most people in the world don’t have cell phones. I believe they are referring to third word countries and small European villages, but honestly…. Who want to cal them?

Draw me something

At a restaurant last night a woman approached me and announce that she had seen me do comedy.  I asked her what she did and she said she was a visual artist.

 

Now, when people find out that you are a professional comedian the most popular response is for them to immediately ask you to tell them a joke.  My usual response is to tell them I am a professional comedian so they should pay me.  I thought it would bw a delightful turn if I asked the woman who had just told me that she was an artist to draw me something.

 

Her:  Uh.. Okay.. I will sometime.

 

Me: Now.

 

Her: Now?

 

Me: Yes.

 

Her:  Okay... What do you want me to draw?

 

Me: A bunny rabbit.

 

Her: A bunny rabbut?  ... doing what?

 

Me:  A bunny rabbit smiling and holding an easter egg.

 

Her:  I don't have a marker.

 

Me:  I've got a pen.

 

She half heartedly drew me the crappiest rabbit I have ever seen.  It was my own fault.

Tell a Hot Girl she's wrong

Spend today telling a hot girl that she’s wrong. They don’t hear it enough. Guys seem to think that if you agree with a woman long enough that she will inevitably get into bed with them. At this rate the number of hot girls who believe they know everything has grown exponentially. The only way we can stop this is by telling a hot girl that she is incorrect or mistake, you have to do this even if she right because it’s more important to thin the numbers than to be fair.

The only reason you should tell a hot girl that she is right is if she has read this. Then tell her you told her she was right because she’s not hot.

Last Night I went to see music

I went to an open mic in Washington Heights.

 

I went with a friend who sat me by this woman she knew.  The woman had a crush on the guy on stage singing a throaty metrosexual balad.  I thought it would be funny to pretend I didnt know that she had a crush and jsu keep bringing up how god awful the singer was.  I expressed interest in throwing a bottle at him over and over again.  He was terrible, but in retrospect.  what the hell is wrong with me?

My Name is "I'm on NBC this week"!

Hey guys!

 

The season premiere of My Name is Earl that I have a guest starring spot on is on this week.  This will actually be the second time I have worked with Jason Lee.  The first time was in the movie A Guy Thing where he falsely accuses me of beating him up.  This time he has to make a deal with me in order to help one of his wronged people on his list.

 

I am not in it an incredible amount, but I do have a couple of scenes and one scene with Earl where I try to look threatening.  I play a gang leader in prison.

 

Anyhow, I am also now in preproduction for a new film that I am writing and directing.   I'll keep you informed. 

 

 Word Word Word!

Back To LA this weekend

Hi there!  I'll be in LA this weekend agin for a screening of the movie Permanent Vacation at the Souther california independent film festival...

http://www.socalfilmfest.com/

 

Word Word Word!

 

ME in the movie.

Trapeze!!!

You know who Dick Grayson is. I do. Dick Grayson is Robin. You know Robin, Batman’s sidekick. He’s awesome. He started out in the circus. This is my first time in a trapeze class. I could be Robin, with years of training, something that reversed my age, and if my family was lost in a horrible circus accident.

I’m so glad my family isn’t in the circus.

Church of Bones

Did you know that in Prague, there's a Church that has all of it's interior decorations made out of bones?

 

CHURCH

 

I find this incredible for a couple of reasons that may not be apparent.

 

1.  Someone had to ask permision to put human bone decorations inside a church.

 

1a.  Someone else had to say yes.

 

2.  Someone had to ask someone else for the money to make church decorations out of human bones.

 

2a.  Someone else had to say yes.

 

3.  Someonedidn't freak out and burn the church to the ground screaming, "Geez really!?  A church of bones!"

 

I'm not in Prague! I'm in Lodz!

Okay, so the part  of the movie, "Contact High"  that I am shooting in Prague is not actually in Prague.  One of the main locations is in Prague, but I'm in Lodz.  A smaller town next to Warsaw.

 

It's cool.  I met my first nun at immigration.  She cut in line.  I have to admit that I thought that was a gross abuse of power.

 

My hotel is actually an eastern European casino.  I have never been inside a casino outside of the US.  I am going to go check it out and get stabbed.  I hope I meet the head of the Polish mafia and he befriends me and then forces me to marry his daughter, who turns out to be beautiful but in love with a handsome janitor and we all have to fake mine and her death just to get away from her father…

 

Day one of shooting in Poland tomorrow.

Day One on My Name is Earl

The first day of shooting was fun and a little bit of a chore.  I arrived at the parking lot to meet the van that would take me out to the set at about 9 am.  Now, nornormally a car would pick you up and take you to the set or you would deliver yurself to the set, but since the shoot was at an immigration prisonn in Lancaster I was told that I would have to take a bus out.  The ride takes about an hour and the conversation almost nnon existant for me.  I do chit chat with this guy named Nate a bit about his acting work and aspirations.

 

The hihtlight of the shoot day would have to be that Jason Lee remembered me from working on A Guy Thing with him, or at least his people must have told him that I was the same guy who worked on a guy thing with him.  Anyhow, it fet nice,

 

We were in a desert so there was a ton of dust being kicked up by the wind in the 105 degree weather.  Today my throat feels like I was swallowing sandpaper all night. 

 

At this point I only have one more day of shooting to finish out the two episode that I will be in.  I hope I survive.

 

Now I'm in LA trying to figure out wjat to do on a Friday night...

My Name Is Not Earl

Hey guys!

 

Looks like I'm coming to LA to shoot two episodes as a guest star on My Name Is Earl.  This will be the seconf time I've played second bananna to Jason Lee.

 

I'll be in LA from the 13th to the 21st and then I fly to prague to shoot the an Austrian Film called Contact High in which I play God.  What?  Yes, God.

 

If you are in LA then feel free to look me up/  I'm sure I'll be performing around the city as well.

 

Word.  Word!  WORD!

Iphone update

It's swett, but there are a couple of drawbacks that I believe they are fixing.

 

Drawback 1: 

No MMS messaging.  I didn't even ask about this feature because I just assumed that it would be included.  If you want to send a picture to a friend then you have to send it through email.  Worse yet, the iphone cannot recieve MMS which means that if you want a friends to send you a picture, you are also screwed.  You can ask them to sent it to you through email, which you can easily get on your iphone but then...

 

Drawback 2:

You cannot download pictures to your picture album from email or safari.  You can view them in email and safari, but if you then wanted to email them you can only forward the email withthe picture.  There is no seeing something nifty on the web and then making it your wallpaper.  No taking an emailed photo and attaching it to a contact.

 

Drawback 3:

You can't take video.  What?  You have a camer!  You can playback video?  What the fuck!

 

The good.

The internet, the music, the stocks, the google, the interface, almost everything else is beyond excellent.  But the drawbacks are such that I might have to just take the whole thing back if they, Apple, don't address them soon.

 

But what a camera!

This is Becky

I have seen Becky cry shortly after an art exhibit. Not because she like the art.

I hate it when smart people screw around.

Some MIT students turned in a project that measured whether or not the three second rule was real. When you drop food on the floor and then you have three seconds to pick it up before germs take hold of it. They proved that it really more like thirty seconds.

I would have loved to be their professor when they turned their project in so I could have said 'What the hell is this? Go cure AIDS!'

Vganus

Here's a music video that I directed. It's funny.

My Official Response to Last Comic Standing.

Ah... what can ya do?

Sandra Can't Cook

Tis a shame. Sandra took a picture of what her food was supposed to look like and what it came out like... I'm sure it tasted good...

Where was the cheese?

Dan Cronin Fan Art

This is a picture of comedian Dan Cronin that I drew.

Check him out at www.dancronin.com

Is Your Refrigerator Running?

I called a friend of mine in the beginning of the night and asked them if their refrigerator was running.  I didn't think they would fall for one of the oldest jokes in the book.  I didn't think that they would be so mad.

 

Wrong on both counts.  :(

 

LA here I come!

I am on my way to perform in the LA comedy festival. Its the first year of the festival so I'm not too sure what the end result will be but I am guessing that we are going to both find that out together.

oops... I just wrote we will 'both' find out together like the only people that read my website are me and my mother...

Ha ha... That's not the case.... Heh.

Sad refrigerator.

My friend has the saddest looking refrigerator. The door to the freezer is broken. The loght is busted. You open a door onto a sad dark place.... with food in it.

I'm on Cartoon Network

It's my birthday!

 

Finally, the show that I shot with the guys from cowboy and John is on the internet and airing on adult swim, 

 

 Check out FAT GUY STUCK THE INTERNET my costume is extremely disturbing.

 

If you are in NYC tonight, check out:

 

TONIGHT, TUESDAY MAY 15th
DRINK AT WORK
8:00PM
Rififi
332 E. 13th St.
with Sean Crespo, Carol Hartsell, Craig Baldo,
David McSavage, Glenn Wool, Victor Varnado
and DIRTY JEANS & THUNDER CHIEF
(the new sketch duo that is Biz Ellis & Livia Scott)

I want this!!!

It's my birthday today!  This is the cutest video game ever and its for the playstation 2!

I want it, but it's only in japanese.

The game creates the levels based on your cd's that you put in the console!

I want it, I want it!

 

 

Zomvbie Crazy

I went out the other night in zombie makeup. And then I started biting people.

Zombie photos

Victor

Morning

This is what it looks like when you are riding the elevated train on the way into manhattan.

Be happy that I can't show you how it smells.

Things that still need to be done in my new apartment.

The kichen cabinets need doors. 

The railings for the steps and the stairs have to be finished.

The molding on the south wall has to be finished.

The upstairs bathroom has to be finished.

The Ethernet wiring has to be finished.

The Cable wiring has to be finished.

The living room closet doors need to be finished.

 

This all has to be done before my birthday party on the 12th.

 

Lordy lordy lordy!

Moving day

I am moving into my new apartment today and unfortunately I waited until the last minute to do most of my packing. I don't have that many things but I will be finishing my packing all on my lonesome. That's just how we do it in the hood.

I don't live in the hood.

Too much booty

The clothing stores in my neighborhood have mannequins whose butts are a little out of control.

I really like out of control.

Tonight, April 29

The Kevin Murphy show at 7;00. - Mo Pitkins... I think I do comedy and an interview.

Word.

Cool ass jerk move No. 1

Whenever I am at a drugstore and there is a god awful line at the check out counter, I walk back to the photo developing counter and ask them to ring me up for my candybar or whatever.  there's never anybody waiting at that line and the clerk is always doing nothing.

 

In and out quick baby.

Level 2

Saw this band at the sidewalk cafe... I was not disappointed

Final Callback

Tonight is my final callback for the Montreal Comedy festival.  I really want to go , but there is not telling what they want...  Well of course they want funny, but there are quite a few factors that go into their final choice besides that.

 

Ugh... you are just not getting it are you... I'll talk to you later.

 

I love Peppercinis

So , when I was in Pittsburgh, my friend Gab made sure there were Peppercinis in the fridge for me.  This is a video that tells about the discovery.

 

 

 

Tonight I will...

Be at GRANDMAS CANDY BOX at bar none in manhattan.

I am hosting a show with some funny comics in front of a raucus and sometimes drunk crowd.

Right now, I'm drinking coffee.

Soho House

This place is so much fun!

 

I wish it weren't elitest.

My contemporaries

People seem to greet me in several ways based on my appearance on the cover of the Village Voice.

 

FRIENDS

 

 "Hey naked."

 

"Congratulations on the cover!"

 

"Wow... you're pretty naked."

 

"Where's your penis?  Did they airbrush it out?"

 

DOUCHES

 

"Hey village voice."

Robocop?

I hope this car is just the beginning of a technological advance in law enforcement that I can only guess at.

Tonight I will be

raising a glass a SoHo House and some other place before that.

The Village Voice article

My reaction to the Village Voice article is just about entirely positive.  If you haven't checked it out already then you could easily remedy that by going to:

 

http://www.villagevoice.com/nyclife/0717,westhoff,76434,15.html/full

 

I could go on about all the things that I am happy about.  My experience with the writer, the photographer, the editor, and the art director were all great.  They made me look and sound wonderful and all of them are invited to my birthday party.

 

The only problem I really have is that I HATE to have my standup material written out.  You really cant enjoy a song by just reading the lyrics, so how can you expect to get the complete experience from the printed word when something is usually performed?  Others have told me that it comes off nicely, but I stand by the idea that performance is the best way to see those pieces.

________________
www.bestalbino.com

Today's The Day

The Village Voice cover with me on the front comes out today.  I have never been on the cover of any major paper or magazine.  One of the editors telle me that the Village Voice is somewhere in between.

 

The writer told me that the editor made some changes with the article that he thought were cool, but maybe not 100% what he would have done.

 

I think to myself, would I change the wording of a few things in exchange for the chance to be on the cover?  Probably not.

 

I myself have nor read the article yet.  I did hear that the use os some adjectives may not be to my liking.  They may want to be alittle more sensational than necessary in spots, but I guess I'll find out soon.

 

I'll write my reactions to is after I read.  The paper is slated to come out tomorrow, but it will be available online later today and one the street by this evening.

 

Check it out at www.villagevoice.com

 

Scrabble Me This

One of my friends wanted to play scrabble with me on Saturday and she talked a lot of smack about how good she was.  She said that she was so good that every time she played people would team up against her just to make sure that she would lose.

 

In truth I thought that I was going to be creamed.

 

Oh... how I decimated her.  How she was destroyed.

 

I can't say that I am capable of doing that with everybody, but I guarantee that I won't talk a lot of smack before the game.

Thank you!

To whomever controls the weather @ would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the beautiful shining sun today!

I am even blogging from a phone!

My morning

Hi.

This is Karen

She just can't sit still no matter what you do.

Rice

Before I ate my rice. I made a face with it.

Dancing

Last night I went dancing.  I haven't been in a while.  I forgot how, no matter where you go, there's one or more people in the place that have waited all week to show off their outfit.

 

There was a lady in a miniskirt and fishnets hat was seiously string e suff, such as it was...  oops, wireless keyboard  s  dying iht n as I tye ths s I will ae st fr a bit...

Uh oh

I'm playing poker.

I suck

No Idea

I have no idea what I really want and I have no time to figure it out. This refers to business and pleasure.

On the plus side though, I am developing a new script and I am definite that it is going to be really cool and highly dellable. It takes me a long time to decide on the project that I want to write next cause I generally have a million ideas that all seem good.

For me, the most common way of procrastinating is when I have a different great idea that just 'cant wait'. Speaking of which...

Brother Ali

Please.  Go check out this amazing rhyme sayer.  Brother Ali is so fucking fantastic I want to grab hos and throw them to him.

 

http://www.myspace.com/brotherali

This is the moment

I was underground in the subway this morning and running late for a production meeting.  I decided that I needed to call because the train was really late.  When one is underground however, you have absolutely no phone service and that meant that I would have to try one of the payphones in the station.

 

I walked up to a couple of people asking for change for a dollar and no one had anything.  The final guy that I approached was a lot of fun.  His eyes lit up ehn I asked for change and then he proceeded to pull almost a pound of quarters, dimes and nickels out of his pocket.

 

This was his moment.

That Was Quick

I was on the set of End Of The Line for about four hours.  Don't look for me in it, I won't be there.

 

To answer your question, yes, it was my choice.

Day 1 on END OF THE LINE

This is my first day on a new movie. I am excited and a little tired. I am tired because I just LOVE karaoke!

Ooh! Look how sci fi the background is!

Comedy Film Fest/After Party Tonight!!!

Sunday February 4th @ 7pm

1st Sundays Comedy Film Festival (Presented @ the Pioneer Theater on East 3rd btwn Ave A/B) is a successfully popular monthly film fest featuring the best in short comedy films and brought to you by writers and featured comics from The Daily Show, Late Night With Conan O'Brien & BBC.

The festival has already gained national attention and has had it's films picked up by Comedy Central, HBO and Cinemax.

Come party with us afterwards at Mo Pitkin's House of Satisfaction where you can live out your rock n' roll fantasies with live karaoke band: Rock Star Karaoke from 9pm-midnight.

Free Stella Artois with admission ticket PLUS hosts will be giving out additional complimentary drink tix all night long.

Admission to festival $10 Free after party!

For more info: www.firstsundays.com

See what MyOpenBar said about us:

http://www.myopenbar.com/bars.php

---

Don't get soaked. Take a quick peak at the forecast
with theYahoo! Search weather shortcut.

Adult Swim here I come!

Today is the first day of shooting for me on the brand new cartoon network pilot for Adult Swim.  As I understand it, my costume is a Speedo and a cape.

 

This is art at its finest.

Aki is the Devil

Last night I went and saw an 80s cover band called Aki Is The Glue. I love to dance and I got really drunk and for some reason, my ability to dance just went straight down the toilet. I mean straight down the the rhythm and good choices toilet.

I was just bobbing up and down and swinging my arms. Trust me, i'm a better dancer than that. Normally I sway and point. That is so much cooler.

CHALLENGE!