Grown Men - No Supervision

Maybe U shouldn't have done it, but it sure was fun.

Mexico City Day 2

Mexico City is dirtier and bigger than New York.  That's not a probelem but there is a nother major difference.  Mexico City is 200 meters above sea level.  One of my old friends came to visit me since we are so high up, his name is nosebleeds.  Man is it dry here. 

 

I remeber when I was little and I had moved and I started to get nosebleeds with the climate change.  My family took me to a doctor at one point and he took me aside and asked me if I was snorting coke.  I was like 12.  Seriously, Doc?  How many 12 year olds who grew up poor do you know that have the access and the money for coke?

 

What a bad doctor  Costume rehearsal in the hotel in two hours....

Robot

I love robots. this is based on a character from the scud comics.

Click on him to watch him move

Mexico City Day 1

Well I'm down in Mexico City to shoot the last leg of  "Contact High"  the movie where I play God.  It has been so much fun in every country that I've been in and Michael, the director, assures me that México City will be the most entertaining place of all.

 

Just before I left New York, one of my friends told me a story about someone who was driving in Mexico City and then someone else just hopped in the car and killed him.  This didn't sit too well with me because I often hate being killed.  I walked with Michael to check out the first set that we were going to be shooting on, which is a hotel that currently operates as a flop house and I had a chance to meet the owner of the place who gave me what would have been a toothy grin if only he had any of his front teeth.  He had plenty of molars though.

 

As soon as Michael and I were out of earshot of the owner, Michael told me this story.  "You know that guy we just met?   When I asked him if it was going to be safe to shoot in his hotel he whipped out a gun and shot three time down the alley and then patted me on the shoulder and said, 'You'll be safe with me.'"

 

I looked down the alley.  There were buildings and the doors to some people's apartments down there.

 

I really want to go out tonight nut I may just stay in my hotel to make sure that I survive the trip.  I can explore in the daytime…

087 Bar

Met the owners of the 507 bar which is run by the engaged Syd and What's-her-face.  There was a comedy show there for five real audience member and about 8 people watching the game.  You were unlucky if, during your set, there was a big play in the game because then the cheering of the considerably laeger amount tof the people wayching the game would drown you out and and distract the "audience" that was there.

 

Ah, comedy at the middle of the industry.

Remember Ebonics?

Remember when they had tried to push Ebonics as a recognized language?  What if that had gone through?  You would have had people in many different occupations using thick urban slang by now.

 

DOCTOR:  You got an acute mitosis, son!  Your shit is fucked up!

 

PILOT:  Aw yeah!  Weeze flying bitches!

 

LAWYER:  If the glove did not fit.  You must acquit!

 

I wish I'd thought of this joke during the OJ trial.  :(

 

________________

www.bestalbino.com - word

New relationship term

landmine (n)

A man or woman that reveals many potential detramental personality flaws during a first date. 

EXAMPLE:  She  told me that she had cut two of her last boyfriends and that she cried while reading the paper every morning.  What a landmine.

Fat Woman farting and pooping

Check it out. I made it!

Thirty Days

I gotta go see this vampire movie right now!!!!!  My noprmal movie buddy is not around so I have to go!  I am gonna burst if I don't.  I should wait, but I just can't.  Vampires!  Wheee!

Elevator

Sometime when I am in an elevator with a lot of people, I will get an embarrassed expression and in a little child's voice I will say, "Uh oh... I've got the farties!"

 

No one has ever laughed who was not part of my immediate party.

Just a reminder

I'm the best at everything.

I can rap, dance and sing.

I can turn lead into gold,

And bend it into a ring.

 

I can fly!  Without a plane.

At supersonic speeds.

I'm the world's best doctor.

Give all my patiends weed.

 

I trained 007, and Batman, and the pope.

Birds land on my windowsill just cause they think I'm dope.

 

Important question

What happens when a zombie bites a vampire?

NYC Tonight

Hey Everyone!

If you are in NYC tonight, then here is an excellent show to come see.  I will be there performing as well randomly attacking patrons.

 

________________

 

Monday, October 15th
TELL YOUR FRIENDS!
at the Lolita Bar
266 Broome St., corner of Allen
8:00pm - $5.00

HOST: Liam McEneaney - from VH1 and Comedy Central

WITH:

Victor Varnado

from Heaven itself.  He has appeared on Conan O'Brien and My Name Is Earl, but mainly he is here to smite the wicked.

Todd Levin
from Comedy Central's Premium Blend and the late Aspen Comedy Festical, and has had his writings appear in The Onion, Modern Humourist, and of course, Glamour.

Kumail Nanjiani
has just landed from Chicago, where he's made quite a name for himself in the comedy scene there

Josh Comers
is one of NYC's last undiscovered comedy treasures

Keith Farnan
from Dublin, making his return from the Boston Comedy Festival

and of course, our house band, A Brief View of the Hudson

Insult help - EXPLICIT

I think that it's weird when you are in a verbal argument and someone tries to insult you by saying something like "Suck My Dick"  Really?  Why does my punishment have to bring you pleasure?  Also, why so passive?  Why do I have to actively suck your dick?  Is it because you don't want to sound gay when you say, "Let me fuck your mouth!"

 

What about "Go fuck yourself"?  Go fuck myself?  Do you mean masturbate?  I do that all the time.

 

I don't think I have even one brain cell working today.

Boston Comedy Festival LOSER! " Karaoke tonight?

Hey everyone!  I lost the Boston Comedy fest finals.

 

In fact I did what I wanted to do at the festival.  I wanted to get out there and get more well known and I wanted to make it to the finals.  Mission accomplished on both of those.

 

During the preliminary and the semifinal rounds I was almost unstoppable.  During the finals however, there was quite the shift in the attending audience age.  I got laughs from the younger people, but the older more conservative part of the crowd would almost gasp in horror at some of the subject matter I shose.  It's kind of interesting to be able to please and horrify sections of the audience at the same time.

 

Myq Kaplan was my pick to win, he came in second.  Tommy Savitt, who was nowhere on my radar won.   Check out his website and make your own decision.  He's very good at what he does and a long time pro.

 

KARAOKE TONIGHT NYC?

 

I am back in town so I will be hanging out with the live karaoke band at Mo Pitkins House of Satisfaction on Ave A between 2 and 3 tonight from 9 pm to midnight.

 

Come on.  let's sing Karaoke, have a drink and a snuggle.

 

________________

www.bestalbino.com - word

Hi Lewis Black

At the Boston Festival after party last night, I tried to say hello to Lewis Black like a hundred times.  He was always flitiing in and out of other conversations and never stopped for a moment.  I wish I could have seen his show but I wanted to watch the rest of the semi finals and check out the other comics that were going to be in the finals. 

 

This is it I guess.  From thousands of tapes and then 94 entrants in the preliminaries, it's now down to eight comics that will compete for the top position.  I believe there is only first place and a runner-up.  My money is on either Myq Kaplan, Robert Mac, or me.  I hope it's me.

 

Is Lewis Black too old to flit?

Boston Comedy Finals

If you are in Boston then come to the Boston Comedy Festival finals.  I made it all the way and strangely enough, I had no idea that it was  big deal. 

 

The final show is at:

 

The Majestic Theater in Boston

Saturday 8:00 pm

TICKETS: http://www.maj.org/P2008/bcf_contest.html

 

__________________________________

 

 

My picks for the contests are Hannibal and Myq Kaplan.  You can find out more about them on the festival website or by Google.  Both of them are smart and very funny.  I don't think that I would be unhappy to lose to either of them.   Bear in mind that there are many comics in the festival that I haven't seen and are freaking hilarious so there may very well be plenty of people that I would not be unhappy to lose to.

 

( I hope I win.)

 

altruism is for sissies.

 

 

 

 

Back to Boston

I am on my way back to Boston for the second leg of the Boston Comedy competition and I am traveling on the exquisite Limo Liner bus.  It's like being in first class, but on a bus.  There is even a stwardess who tries to look elegant as she bounces down the aisle.

 

It has wi-fi and outlets at every seat. YAY!

 

OOps.  I had my iphone plugged in and recharging in my pocket.  It warmed up and melted the chocolate bar that I had there.  Ewww.  Chocolate covered iphone!

Poor Britney

Britney Spears should be ashamed of losing her kids.  How ashamed should she be of losing her kids?

 

Michael Jackson still has his kids.

Time to call my mom

I always wait until my mother calls me and then I fee guilty.  I have to call her first because it's been almost two weeks since I've talked to her.  I want to be a good sone and this is my big chance.

 

I should probably be calling her instead of typing this.

Boston Comedy Fest Day - 1

The first day of the Bostone comedy festival I traveled up to boston on the Lucky Star line out of Chinatown at about 11 am. We had one pit-stop at a grocery store where I bought enormos amounts of String cheese.

When I got to the festival, there was a guy who handed out flyers that listed everyone there so that they could make a ppol as to who was going to win the contest as part of the fest. Basicaqlly it was a sheet with every participant listed and a number by their name showing whether or not they were favorites fior the preliminary rounds. I was favored, but many people I knew were not. Kind of daunting.

When the contest finally took place, I ended up "winning". It's not really a win yet. I basically move on to the next round. Thursday is the semi finals andsaturday is the finals. I am going back ti NYC in the morning and will be back in boston by Thursday.

If anyone is around, look me up. SOX!!!!!!!!

P. S. I know nothing about sports. One of my friends told me to put that there.

You Don't hav a Cell Phone

If you don’t have a cell phone at this point in your life then you are actively fighting civilization. It’s not like you don’t have an ipod. An ipod is a quickly growing trend that may very well become the mainstream way of listening to and cataloguing your music, but its not quite there yet. A cell phone is now completely part of how we communicate. If you are holding out, then please stop being a pussy about it. Stop using; land phones as well. Switch back to the telegraph. What the hell are you doing reading this on the internet?

Some people have said to me that most people in the world don’t have cell phones. I believe they are referring to third word countries and small European villages, but honestly…. Who want to cal them?

Draw me something

At a restaurant last night a woman approached me and announce that she had seen me do comedy.  I asked her what she did and she said she was a visual artist.

 

Now, when people find out that you are a professional comedian the most popular response is for them to immediately ask you to tell them a joke.  My usual response is to tell them I am a professional comedian so they should pay me.  I thought it would bw a delightful turn if I asked the woman who had just told me that she was an artist to draw me something.

 

Her:  Uh.. Okay.. I will sometime.

 

Me: Now.

 

Her: Now?

 

Me: Yes.

 

Her:  Okay... What do you want me to draw?

 

Me: A bunny rabbit.

 

Her: A bunny rabbut?  ... doing what?

 

Me:  A bunny rabbit smiling and holding an easter egg.

 

Her:  I don't have a marker.

 

Me:  I've got a pen.

 

She half heartedly drew me the crappiest rabbit I have ever seen.  It was my own fault.

Tell a Hot Girl she's wrong

Spend today telling a hot girl that she’s wrong. They don’t hear it enough. Guys seem to think that if you agree with a woman long enough that she will inevitably get into bed with them. At this rate the number of hot girls who believe they know everything has grown exponentially. The only way we can stop this is by telling a hot girl that she is incorrect or mistake, you have to do this even if she right because it’s more important to thin the numbers than to be fair.

The only reason you should tell a hot girl that she is right is if she has read this. Then tell her you told her she was right because she’s not hot.