Racist Elevator Lady

I was in a n elevator with a lady that I didn't know was racist until... well, you'll see.

A review of Juaquin Phoenix in I'm Still Here

There are two ways that i can review, I'm Still Here/ I can review it as if it is mostly real, I can also review it as if it is mostly fake. What I am trying to say is that the chances of it being totally real or fake must be incredibly slim.

I'm not so sure that a sane man would go this far for a prank and I not so sure that a crzed man has this much genius and restraint at just the right time. Whichever you are closest to, Juaquin, I fucking love it.

Do you remember when Juaquin Phoenix was rumored to have dropped out of acting and then dove straight into a rap career? Well, during that entire time, there was a documentary beign made about the whole thing that's directed by his step brother in law Casey Affleck.

The film opens with what one would guess is a young Juaquin diving into a small body of water from a precarious rock formation under a waterfall. Whether it symbolizes the fearlessness of a boy who grows up to be a man who pulls of an elaborate and balls prank or the first wayward step of a wild boy is up to you to decide as you watch the strange yet riveting story of this movie unfold.

Juaquin, who early in the film starts to refer to himself as "J.P." becomes fed up with his life as an actor for reasons that he almost coherently explains. Using his clout as a movie star, he quickly gets meetings with P. Diddy, and performance time at a club in Los Angeles.

One of the best things the film shows is that there is never a time when anyone wholeheartedly agrees with Juaquin that what's he's doing is a good idea. Diddy rolls his eyes, fans cheer at first and then get quieter as they realize he's "serious" about drunkenly performing his half written rap songs... and slowly the world turns against him.

there's a great moment when you see a lot of clips of different comedians making fun of Juaquin.

If the movie is mostly real, then it's fantastic.

If it is, as I believe, mostly fake, then it's even better. And bravo to Juaquin for letting a friend poop on his face for a joke.*

*Yes, this happens. See the movie on Netflix instant right now.

Apologies to the Universe

I once told a woman that I loved her as an April fools joke.

I should apologize to the universe for some of the horrible practical jokes I have pulled over my lifetime. You might say, "Victor, why not apologize to the people you pulled the jokes on?"

Good Question.

I am not apologizing to those people because none of them are mad at me (anymore). But I just want the universe to know that I am aware that I am tempting Karma and should think twice before pulling another "scheme".

The Conan O'Brien Story

Here is an article I wrote a few years back when I appeared on Conan. I forgot I had written it.

GREAT NIGHT WITH CONAN O'BRIEN

By Victor Varnado

About three years ago I had an audition to be on Late Night with Conan O’Brien at a night club in New York. A talent booker for the show requested to see sets from comedians and then put them up in front of whatever crowd was available at the local comedy club. How did I do? I was very lucky that throwing bottles at a performer had gone out of style. The Conan O’Brien show didn’t call me, big surprise. Under normal circumstances, I would just assume that they would forget about the whole thing and I could just keep submitting to them but I’m under special circumstances you see; I’m a black albino comedian and generally people don’t forget that. (I know that you probably want me to explain more about the black albino thing right now, but this is my story so bear with me.)

The only other time that I ever submitted to Late Night with Conan O’Brien was a few months ago and thank goodness things went better this time. I’m not going to try and pretend that I was cool headed or reserved in any way when I got the call from my manager that the Conan show had decided to offer me a spot. There are many different types of comedians. There are comedians that are cool, smart and make fun of everything else in the world; there are comics that are mean bastards and then there are comics like me; geeky and unsure of themselves who have used humor so much as a defense mechanism that they have finally become comedians. All of these comedians would get excited at the chance to be on Late Night with Conan O’Brien. That’s how I explain me crapping my pants.

The first real problem arose when the talent booker for Conan O’Brien sent me a list of material that they wanted me to do on the show. The list consisted entirely of jokes that I had performed on another show on cable. The booker assured me that cable and broadcast television were very different things. Tons of people who had never seen me before would see the show and doing “tried and true” material would help warm me up to the Conan O’Brien audience.

I asked the booker if I could make a deal with him; I would pitch some new material to him at the run through after I was done doing the older material. He agreed and for a moment I was happy. The run through was at Caroline’s comedy club in Time’s Square. I went through the old material and everything was going wonderfully. By the time I went into my newer material, the audience was one hundred percent with me. I couldn’t have hoped for better. I got to the biggest of the new jokes that I was pitching; it was about superheroes.

THE JOKE:

There was this show called the Superfrieds that they made in the 70’s and 80’s. They tried to make the show ethnically diverse by adding in all these heroes of different races. One of the heroes was Black Lightning. Black Lightning was a black superhero with “black” at the front of his name, which is already wrong. I feel sorry for him because I know he didn’t show up wanting to be Black Lightning I’m Sure he showed up and said, “Hey, what’s happening Superman. You got ‘super’ powers, they call you Superman; that guy looks like a bat and they call him Batman. Check this out, I shoot lightning out of my hands, I should be Lightning Man! What do you think?”

Superman was like, “No. No… no no. How about BLACK Lightning?”

“What?! You can’t limit my choices like that!”

“Well you’ve got a choice. You can be black lightning or Niggatron!”

“Superman! I’m not going to stand for this! WE aren’t going to stand for this. Say something Apache chief. Say something! At least put a shirt on…”

“Calm down, calm down… Now go sit at the ethnic table…next to captain Japanese. I don’t know what he does but I know that he’s stealing jobs away from American superheroes.”

Oh, a detail that I may have left out was that the run-through night happened to fall on the same night as Caroline’s all-Asian comedy show. All-Asian comics, in front of an all-Asian audience, and me; a black albino making an ironic joke about the Japanese stealing jobs from Americans. I know that sounds bad out of context but trust me, a guy that you don’t know, it was not a racist joke. Normally the joke goes over great in front of a mixed audience, but when you are the only non-Asian person on an all-Asian comedy night… sigh. I bet you’re getting the picture by now. Amazingly, they ended up letting me do the older material and most of the new bits as well.

The taping began while I was eating cookies in the green room. Before I went on, one person after another walked up to me and cautiously asked me if I was feeling okay. Was I excited? Am I nervous? My better judgment was the only thing that stopped me from slapping faces at full force.

Jennifer Aniston was on the show.. She’s tiny.

I watched the second guest, Harold Perrineau, on the backstage television. He was fresh off of shooting a bunch of people on ABC’s Lost and seemed nice enough when I met him for a few moments by the green room. He was a “real” guest so I didn’t see him until just before he went on. Late Night separates the comedians from the actual talent, unless.. that’s just how they did it with me.

Harold was nervous and sweating to an insane degree while he was being interviewed by Conan. He told me earlier that he was a huge fan. Watching Harold freak out made me feel less intimidated.

I felt confident when it was my turn to walk out and perform. The stage manager lead me to an area behind the curtain and told me that when Conan announced my name, I would walk out to a star on the ground and just begin. The stage manager then walked away. That’s it? Don’t these guys know that I have bad vision and I’m not wearing my glasses? Where’s the star again? At a club, you get to watch other comics with the crowd and then gauge how they are before you go on. I just walk out? Suddenly I was thirsty. The audience had started applauding because Conan had just called my name… I think. A hand pushed me gently toward the curtain.

When I get out and see the audience and cameras, my hands were immediately numb. That’s weird. I’ve heard of sweating and shortness of breath, but whose hands go numb? Suddenly, I begin to think that there are a whole lot of people in America who have never seen a black albino before. What if they freak out? Why would they freak out? The first couple of jokes that I told came out about an octave higher than my voice really is. The audience laughs hard and I relax. The older jokes and the newer jokes got bigger and bigger responses and I managed to finish to raucous applause.

The stage manager had told Conan that my last line of dialogue was “’Cause I’m black. Surprise!” When I said it, Conan came over to shake my hand and was very nice.

CONAN: Great, great job. You were really funny.

ME: Thanks a lot for having me. I was really nervous.

CONAN: Are you a writer?

ME: Yes.

CONAN: I think it really shows in your act. What show do you write for?

ME: None. I mostly write for movies.

CONAN: I think it was great.

ME: I was nervous that my act wouldn’t go over on you show… I mean you don’t exactly have a “black” audience.

CONAN: What are you talking about? Look at that saxophone player over there.

Conan was pointing to his band. We both laughed, maybe I laughed too much. I shook his hand for longer than I should have and I lingered when he was saying goodbye to the audience. He asked me back on the show and towered above me.

If I had it all to do again, the only thing that I would change is that my hands wouldn’t have been numb and I wouldn’t have bombed in front of the talent booker three years ago.

Facebook Conversation No. 145

Sometimes strangers contact me on Facebook. I always talk to them with mixed results.

How are you doing?

Good. hope you are well.

Yes sir, i am doing well. Thank you.

What have you been up too?

working

Am i bothering you?

are you trying to?

that sounds bad

it depends

oooooooooonnnnn whhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttt?

If you want me to dear. May i call you that i call everyone that.

fine

I like your picture

thank you. taken by a good friend

well that is cool

you are welcome

i bet your are talking to hundreds at the moment huh?

no. just three

the others are people I know though

Are you trying to tell me something?

no.

seems like you dont want to talk because i dont know you my dear. well i really wanted to speak with you.

Why>

why what?

The only reason I am not talking is because you haven't said something significant yet. "Hi", "How are you?" Yes, and what else?

well what do you want me to say? Do you want me to ask about you? like whats your fav color or something?

I would rather you say what you want to say.

What is your fav movie?

The original Tron.

i know that is so lame. i love the originals way better lol

where is your fav place to go to relax?

Where would you like this conversation to go?

Do you think i would like to have sex with you? do you think that is where its going? i am just trying to get to know you that is it

WTF?! Sigh...

Geez. Nobody wants to have sex with anybody.

Orphan's Christmas? Come Over!

Hello everyone.

I apologize if this doesn't concern you.

This Christmas I will be in NYC and I know that there are a lot of people who are away from their families.

I am inviting friends over on Christmas day for an orphan's Christmas.

If you are a friend who would like to come just email, ca;;, Facebook or twit me up and I will give you the details.

You should bring a wrapped gift that costs no more than five dollars for exchanging.

You should bring an actual five dollars to contribute to a giant Chinese food order.

There will be games and liquor.

Let me know if you would like to come.

The Chinese got us back!

If you didn't know, Martin Scorsese's the departed was a remake of a Chinese film called Infernal Affairs. Look it up, It's better than the departed.

Well, not to be outdone, the star of the departed, Martin Lau, has now made a remake of What Women Want. You know, that Mel Gibson movie where he can read women's minds? (Oh Mel!)

A Lazy movie day

I'm still in Los Angeles and I go back to shooting on Monday.  But for today, my plan is to just chill out in my hotel room and have a lazy back to back movie day.  I went to a local blockbuster, because they are in dire straights so there are crazy deals on movies.

I spent forty dollars on movies, this is what I got .

In the 3 movies for 20 bucks bin.

Sherlock Holmes - with Robert Downey and Jude Law

Green Zone - with Matt Damon

Edge of Darkness - with Mel Gibson, apparently he flips out a lot in this movie so it will be a lot like real life.

In the 5 movies for 20 bucks bin

Moon - with Sam Rockwell.  I love this movie and am honestly dying to hear the director's commentary.

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans - INicolas Cage, I hear this movie is nuts.  can't wait.

The Box - with Cameron Diaz, I hear this movie is terrible, also can't wait.

Whip It - with the adorable Ellen Page.  This is Drew Barrymores directorial debut.  I have wanted to check it out for a while.

A Serious Man - This is a Coen brothers film that went through the theaters without me ever seeing it.  That usually doesnt happen.  

What order should I watch them in?

Day one in LA.

The flight was was the STANDUP of the day. That and the show i performed at later. Warner Brothers was nice enough to fly me out first class but no matter how adjustable the seats were, they were still hard as a rock.

One other thing that happens in first class, if you do happen to fall asleep every once in a while they wake you up anyway and ask you if you need anything. "yes, I need you to step out of my face quickly. "

Sent from my piehole.

How to be alone.

I don't know how to use dating sites well at all. I read a suggested profile and saw that the woman was allergic to cats. I couldn't help myself. Here's what I wrote to her.

I have a cat.

Please come over anyway so that I can see your eyes swell up and get red. Now I know this doesn't sound like a good time from your point of view, but lets try and think about how entertaining this could be for me.

Please think about it. Thank you
.

The MET show or Who arted?

I performed at a show at the Metropolitan Museum of Art! I think it was one of my favorite shows ever to perform on. My buddy Marianne Ways asked me to be on the show. Carl Arnheiter is also deeply staked in the show and is its host.

The show is a tour where different comedians lead segments of the tour. Tours were lead this time by Andrea Rosen, Liam MacEneaney, Leo Allen and me. Every performer did their oen take on the tour.

EXCERPT FROM MY TOUR:

Picasso was in his early twenties when he was doing lots of work in Madrid and Paris. At that time many of his works were named quite simply. What people don't know is that his paintings had simple names because his agent actually rejected most of his names because the names he came up with the paintings as an excitable twenty year old were considered kind of dumb. People have gone as far as to say that he named some of his original work, like a douchebag.

JARDIN DE PARIS

This painting was commissioned as a poster for a live show. Picasso's original name for this work was WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF A BUNCH OF DANCERS IN WHITE PETTICOATS GOT THEIR

PERIOD ALL AT ONCE?

WOMAN IN GREEN

Picasso's original title for his iconic Woman in Green was simply, MAN, I HATE TO DRAW ARMS.

EROTIC SCENE

Indeed, this piece by Picasso does depict quite an "erotic scene" which was probably a reflection of the bawdy lifestyle he enjoyed in Paris, but his original title tells the story more plainly. Although some thought it was an artistic choice to paint the woman blue in truth it was an accurate depiction of color in Picasso's piece DUDE, I DON'T THINK SHE'S BREATHING.

And so on...

Apparently, a woman who had joined the tour without knowing that it was fake was heard saying that she didn't like my interpretation.

My two word Review of INCEPTION - Fantastically Trippy

My five word review of INCEPTION - Dumb people should not go.

My haiku review of INCEPTION -

Christopher Nolan,
You are my movie hero
M. Night can suck it.

My two paragraph review of INCEPTION -

Every time I hear someone talk about Inception they talk about how much fun, trippy or gripping it is and they rarely talk about the science fiction elements of the film. That's a good thing and hard to do because the science fiction in the movie runs pretty deep. To make a film that steeped in a pretend technology and have the audience walk away talking about the emotional aspect of the film is a feat that I don't think many other movies pull off. Just like THE DARK KNIGHT was a great crime thriller, that also had Batman in it, this movie is an exquisite action noir epic, that also has a ton of sci-fi.

I am deliberately staying away from talking about the plot because that will make the movie more fun for everyone. Let's talk about the ending once you've seen it.


++++++++++ POSSIBLE SPOILERS BELOW THIS LINE++++++++++++++


The lady or the tiger?

Lookie me directing and sh*t

Soooo, we have officaly wrapped pricipal photography on the Tell Your Friends Movie. Since the movie is supported by an extensive documentary portion I got a chance to direct quite a few interviews with comedians that I would consider to be masters of their craft. There is nothing more entertaining than listening to people talk about what they really believe in and know well in an impassioned manner.

Now the post production process wll begin. I am both dreading and looking forward to the post production process.

Next up, I will be directing a new reality TV series. More on that later.

Mission Accomplished!

The filming of the  concert footage for www.tellyourfriendsmovie.com was a huge success.

 

I would like to say a big thank you to all of the cast for being hilarious!

 

Paul F Tompkins and Jim Gaffigan Interviews

Here are some still from www.tellyourfriendsmovie.com. These are stills from interviews we just shot with Paul F Tompkins and Jim Gaffigan. Word!