I never snowboarded

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This is Sven

I asked him if a crazy man on stage was his dad and Sven played along.

This is Elon

Elon was once shot in the face! He's still a cuddly wuddly teddy bear!

Pregnant Party

Last night I went to a party for the opening of a play. It was a lot of fun. When I looked out on the dance floor I saw a pregnant woman dancing and she appeared t be wearing some sort of peasant blous.

Here's how stupid I am: I a ssumed that she was wearing a costume because we were at the opening of a play. I walked over to her and said, "nice pregnant costume"

Oops. Turns out she was just fat.

Just kidding, she was smuggling a bomb.

Kidding again, she was pregnant.

I got a new cell number

This blog is a clearinghouse of information!

Call my old number to get my new one! If you don't have my old number, then obviously we're not friends.

Music Bitch

I like music and so do the ladies.
Turn up them beats cause I likes to making babies.
Slap you in the boody and bite you with my rabies.
I likes music and so do the ladies.

Are you bored?

Come see me on myspace and be my friend.

http://www.myspace.com/victorvarnado

Aw... why not?

Nuts in The Snow

This week has been a little crazy. Looks like I will be in a total of four movies for sure this year and possibly up to as many as seven fother things work out. I can give you details laer, but righ tnow you should know that there are 27 inches of snow in NYC and I spent the day inside eating Chinese food and watching syriana.

There's a clue to my whereabouts in the last paragraph. If you find me, I'll give you a dollar.

Everyone makes mistakes right?

(Horrible and possibly friendship ending mistakes.)

About a week and a half ago I was a little tipsy in a bar and a pretty drunk girl came up to me and tried to kiss me.

I kissed her back.

The girl, I soon realized was ridiculously drunk so I decided to stop kissing her. The girl, was so drunk in fact that me and another guy in the bar and I had to find a woman to take her into the ladies room and help her pee. The girl decides that she wants to go bar hopping and I suggest that she get in a cab and go home. She responds by passing out.

I offered to pay for the cab if some people who knew her would take her home and they refused. . I left her to get her purse and told someone else to watch over her and I came back to find her falling toward the bar head first. Yes; I caught her. I really did not want to be seen leaving a bar with an incoherent drunk woman that I had kissed (see "The bad side of being a good Samaritan" below) before but I also did not want to ditch an unconscious woman in the west village and hope for the best.

I go to her house with her. I lay her on the bed and call my friend Rick in Minnesota, and we share stories about baby-sitting drunk people. He has a funny one. A little later the girl is making sounds like she is about to throw up and she is laying on her back. I've heard those stories about people drowning in their own vomit. I take the girl, put her in the bathroom and aim her at the toilet. She throws up on her pants.

I take her back to her bed and go to sleep.

We wake up in the morning and she has no idea why I am there. She has no idea that we kissed. I am fully dressed. She is fully dressed and smells like vomit. I tell her what happened. She is surprised and I think that is a good thing. I would hate to think this was an everyday thing for her.

I leave.

Here’s where it gets funky. The girl turns out to be good friends with my ex girlfriend and doesn’t want this whole thing to go any farther.

Tonight the girl tells my ex that she was drunk, I kissed her and that she doesn’t remember what else happened and “Oh by the way, do you think Victor would… you know…”

Luckily my ex knows me a lot better than this girl and tells her that that is not a possibility, but that doesn’t mean my ex isn’t mad as shit for me kissing her friend.

The girl only knew that we kissed because I told her and when we woke up we were both fully clothed, so I don’t know how she got to the point where she would ask if I would… you know…

Here’s my question:

1. Should I have said anything to the girl about the whole incident? I thought telling the truth was the best idea.

2. Should I have told my ex first even though she had asked me not to?

Here are my guesses:

1. Yes. I should have told her. Though I feel threatened by her question, I should understand that women feel threatened all the time and blah blah blah- whatever the whole thing sucks.

2. I don’t know. I though that it was not a damaging thing in the first place, just really stupid. I really don’t know, but I regret not telling my ex at this point.

I do have a plan though. I am thinking about twisting my dick off and feeding it to birds.

Problem solved. No dick, no questions.

Scrrening today

I went to a screening of a comedy DVD that Keith Malley was the star of and I introduced. It was awesome. O thought that keith was great and very funny.

He had a bit that was my favorite of the night but I forgot it.

Thanks beer.

Subway Candid

People just can't let go of prince.

Yes that's a MAN in a ZORRO HAT putting on lip balm.

Karaoke

These fools are about to learn the joy of Copacabana!

I am dumb.

I am a bachelor and I eat a lot of meals outside of my home.  It was three months before I realized that I didn't have the gas turned on in my apartment.   To put things in perspective, I don't need gas for heat because my building has that end covered.  The only thing that I need gas for is to cook.

 

One day when I tried to cook I discovered that the stove was not working so I called my landlord and he asked me if I had ever turned on the gas.  He laughed and laughed at my explanation, but not in a friendly way, more like it was in a way you laugh at a guy who steps in poop twice; once because he is not paying attention and then into a second pile while he is still walking forward but looking back to see what the hell he just stepped in.

 

I then made a rash decision:  I always eat out, so what the hell do I need to turn on the gas for.  Do I really need to have another bill so that I can run the stove?  Fuck that.

 

...

 

...

 

This morning, I really want scrambled eggs.

Check out my friend Rob

One of my friends, a comic named Rob Paravonia, started making an oline show about being a comedian.  Check it out if.  It's cool. 

 

http://www.lifeasacomic.com/

The Bad Side of Being a Good Samaritan

Last night I was hanging out with a friend of mine who got stumbling drunk.

 

I stuck around to make sure that my friend was okay and then I realized something.  When you are a guy with a stumbling drunk woman on your arm, people begin to question your motives.  I was walking, but mostly dragging this woman toward to exit of this bar and then some random guy came up to me.

 

Rrandom Guy:

Het dude.  What are you doing with that girl?  Are you her boyfriend?

 

Me:

No.  I'm making sure she gets home.

 

RG:

I don't know man... maybe I should take her home.

 

At first I though that I must look suspicious or something, but then I thought, Wait, why should I let this guy walk away with my stumbling drunk friend?  What if he was a rapist or somethin?

 

Me:

I think we'll be fine.

 

RG:

I'm not going to let you take her!  Give her to me!

 

Me:

What if you rape her?

 

RG:

What if YOU rape her?

 

Me:

I won't!

 

RG:

Neither will I!

 

And so on.. and so on...