I can't believe someone wants to hire me!

Well, obviously I get hired a lot,but I got an e-mail from a private citizen wanting to hire me for a job.  Here it is:

 

Hi Victor,

 

I think that you are really funny and I would love to throw some cash your way for services!  What do you think?

 

James

 

Well James, I am not quite sure what the services are that you are inquiring about. In order to help you out, I will list a few of the things that I do and then my rates.  Hope this helps.

 

I will perform standup comedy for an hour:

    $5,000

 

I will write you a feature length screenplay:

    $10,000

 

I will write you a feature length screenplay that is actually good:

    $90,000

 

I will watch your puppy:

    FREE

 

I will teach you how to write a more comprehensive e-mail:

    $4

 

I will teach your mother how to bark:

    $4500

 

I will make a feature film on DV with you as the star (this includes writing a crappy script):

    $150,000

 

I will make a feature film on DV with you as the star based on something that is not insulting to you. (this also includes writing a crappy script):

    $150,000

 

I will prance around wearing nothing but a sock (on my nethers):

    FREE (I've actually done this on numerous times for free)

 

I will prance around wearing nothing but a sock (on my foot):

    $15

 

I will prance around wearing nothing but a sock (on my foot and you are not a hot woman who is willing to sleep with me):

    $500

 

I will prance around wearing nothing but a sock (on my foot and you are disgusting in some way, you know, like you have an extra nose on you face or you poop every five minutes, or maybe you smell like old cabbage):

    $66,450

 

I will teach you Karate:

    $40 / hr

 

I will teach you Tae Kwon Do (which I actually know):

    1 ass whooping.

 

I could go on James, but I think what I am really trying to say is your e-mail is a bit open ended and I thing that you might try to rewrite it.